Resentment

I promise this blog will get fun.  But I'm getting out all the angsty stuff first cuz I can't seem to tell an incomplete story and the bad parts at the beginning are a part of my story.  Also because I'm sure others are feeling this way and might feel better not being alone.

I went through about a year of resenting every parent on the planet.  Ok, longer than a year, but it was a daily preoccupation for about a year.

Every parent out there was picked apart in my brain and dissected for their flaws.  And then I would get mad at the universe for allowing such a flawed person to have a baby when I wasn't able to have one.

It was constant.  Ads on TV showing reality TV stars being rewarded for being the dregs of society and talking about their babies.  Next on Judge Judy.....obnoxious 20 year old with several children bitching about her right to out and party and have fun.  A new show about a completely incompetent family getting a baby by surprise because the mother went to jail.  Oh the antics that will ensue!  Reading Lamebook for fun and seeing posts by little tards about how they're off to the abortion clinic so they can get their drink on tonight, whooooo!

Jon and Kate Gosselin get 8 when I don't get any.  Some distant relatives with mental issues and drug problems each get 3 before the age of 21 by different baby daddies/mamas and I don't get any.  That bitch Octomom gets 14 while on welfare, and I don't get any.  That one really got to me as I started shelling out thousands of dollars for testing and then to start the IVF process.  My husband and I are very financially responsible people and our bank account was breaking going through this process.  How the frak did she do this while on welfare and supporting 6 existing kids???

I resented every pregnancy and parent of a child under the age of 5.  My brain was convinced that they were undeserving and it was totally unfair because I was deserving yet being denied.

And through it all, my best friend and daily coffee companion, PR, was pregnant.  ARGH!  Ok, ok, I know, I'm a horrible person.  I know this.  She knows this.  She already had 2 adult children and I really, REALLY resented that she was getting another chance to be a new mother again.  I tried my best to be happy for her, but I wasn't, and she knew that.  She did her best to contain her joy but she's a joyful person by nature and of course it bubbled over and stabbed me in the gut.  It really sucks that we were both working so hard to compensate for my flaw.  For my inability to get over my own issues and be genuinely happy for her.  For the fact that I was vaguely angry all the time and here was a walking, talking target directly in front of me for my anger to focus on.  I resented every update, every personal inconvenience caused by her dietary needs, and knowing that my daily companion soon wouldn't have time to hang with me anymore.

And I realize that every word of this post defines me as the most selfish, self centered bitch on the planet and knowing that I was being that kind of person only increased my general anger.

So for those of you who are trying to conceive and feeling like the universe is punishing you for no good reason?  I understand.  And why do others who totally don't deserve this, or don't even want it, why do they get it?  Completely unfair.

Even at 9 weeks pregnant, I still haven't quite let go of all the resentment.  I'm still not a natural with babies so when I'm around little AR, I'm terrified I'm going to do something wrong so I just kind of don't do anything and wait for the opportunity to hand him back off to PR.  And part of me isn't actually a parent yet so as weird as it may sound, I'm still feeling a bit denied and my heart hasn't quite figured out that I'm not being denied anymore.

I'm hoping I'll get over that once my twins are grown enough to change the shape of my body or to be felt moving around.  Right now, it seems like my only confirmation that they are actually there are my doctors appointments where I get to see an ultrasound.  It's not entirely real yet.

Ok, next up, I'll whiz through the IVF process.  That could be an entire blog itself, but I'll try to whiz through in one really long post.

And pictures are coming.  I promise.  This isn't all going to be giant blocks of angry text!