I'm ok, we're all fine, it's just, well let me tell you how I spent my day.
A friend of mine is a producer at Creative Live where they produce a variety of photography and video workshops. She hired me to take edit notes for the photography workshop this weekend. That entails sitting up in a room watching the live stream of workshop in progress, and taking notes on things the video editor might need to know when they are working on the downloadable version. Things like someone blocking the camera, or the sound in the mic goes screwy, or they have to wait 2 minutes while equipment is failing, stuff like that.
Soooooo, this weekends workshop is called Bellies and Babies. In other words, how to photograph pregnant bellies and little babies. If I weren't pregnant, I wouldn't be within 10 miles of that studio this weekend.
Most of the day was spent doing photo shoots with a pregnant woman, and a variety of babies, all under the age of 9 months. One as young as 6 days old! And because I'm starting to turn the emotional corner from bitter infertile to happy mommy, a turn I'm fighting tooth and nail but let's face it, I'm turning, I actually enjoyed most of the workshop today. I caught myself smiling at cuteness several times.
For the last 45 minutes of the day, the photographer/instructor talked very emotionally about the charity she founded, Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep or NILMDTS. This organization does infant photography for families that are losing or have lost a baby. And there was a video that included some of the images.
I wish I could talk more about the organization, but I wasn't capable of following along very closely for this portion of the workshop. I was triggered by the whole concept. And the one image I saw of itty bitty feet at the beginning of the video threw me over the edge.
So I'm just really wonked out right now. On the one hand, I'm all triggered about losing my first set of girls, what they might have looked like, and I'm afraid that all of the crying I haven't done in the last few months is about to catch up with me in one big sobby mess. On the other hand, I'm also living the fantasy that everyone who's lost children has, I'm getting a do-over. I've just crossed my own personal hurdle of 19 weeks. And yesterday, I got the information about this pregnancy that has started to carry me across the line from being completely pessimistic to having some deep down belief that it's going to be ok this time.
I think I'm alternating between crying, and being a completely brain-dead zombie. I'm triggered, but afraid to fully give in to the crying. I'm happy about the news yesterday, but afraid to fully invest myself into believing it.
I'm......getting licked by a cat. Yes, that I can absolutely confirm, I'm getting purred at and licked by my itty bitty kitty. But I have no answers for anything else that I might be at the moment. I just don't know where or what I am at the moment.