My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Loading up the van

It's official.  The baby stage is over.  I think that hit me at their 15 month Dr appointment when we were told that other than their 2 year molars and this last incisor that Teeny Tiny is working on, they have all their teeth and then she said that they are officially toddlers.

By the way, they are almost exactly the same size now, both 20lbs and a few ounces.  Yay 25th percentile!

This of course brought to mind whether or not we're going to have another.  The further we get in this parenting adventure, the more we lean towards "no".  I keep enjoying each stage more than the last and I really don't miss the stages we'll never see again.

I just don't like babies!  I never have.  Everyone kept telling me how it would be different when they were my own, but it wasn't!  I still didn't like babies!  I loved mine of course, but I'm a crap baby mom.  We all have our talents and being a mom to babies is not one of mine.  I did what needed to be done to keep them safe and healthy, but I never relished in it.  Nothing in me ever said "I wish they would stay like this forever."  Nope.  Everything in me was "I can't wait until we get to the next stage and this shit is over!"

But I'm shaping up to be a great mom to kids.  No really, I am.  Hard to believe that such a shitty baby mom could turn into a pretty awesome kid mom, but like I said, we all have our talents.  I'm much better at this.  I'm much better at being creative about making toys, about teaching them skills, about learning play in general.  I'm not a good baby snuggler, but I can convince a whining, crying toddler that it would be much more fun to shake the shaker bottles I made than to continue pitching a fit.

I don't want to do being pregnant again.  I don't want to do the baby stage again.  Sure, we'd all love the chance to correct our mistakes, do it better the second time around, to use what I've learned in some capacity, but probably not enough to actually make it happen.  I don't want to miss out on a stage the girls are going through because I have to focus on the needs of a newborn.  I also want to start drawing some focus back to me in a few years when the girls begin school and I can consider starting a career again.

Still leaving the options over of course, just in case empty nest syndrome hits when the girls start school.  I'll also be casually tracking my cycles (I've had 2 so far, 2 months apart, let's see if a pattern emerges) and give us the best chance to get ourselves a surprise.  If someone wants to join our family, we'll be thrilled, but we probably won't be seeking that soul out and actively trying to coax them into our home.

Today, I loaded up the van for a big consignment store drop off.  3 laundry bins stuffed with clothing were sorted, and I didn't pull out anything to hold on to.  The swing we thought we might use for another kid one day, gone.  The snuza alarms that convinced me my babies were breathing all the time, adios.  All the breast pumping supplies and extra bottle nipples that would be gross to share, trashed.  As far as our storage shed is concerned, babies have left the building.

As for those few newborn outfits I did tuck away in a box and that dream I've talked about of just snuggling one baby without another one crying for attention, just one word - grandchildren.  ;-)


  1. I am exactly where you are. Although I do love babies, it's overwhelming to think of losing 50 lbs and starting over with fertility treatments. We are loving life with our kid so much! I don't think I can give that up for the ups and downs of fertility treatments. I'm an advocate of doing what makes you happy. It sounds like you have that part figured out! :)


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