My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Starting to panic


Am I really going to have two babies?  Just how much am I going to fuck this up?  What difficulty am I going to encounter, and then find out the perfect answer for about 3 months too late?  AAAACCCKKKK!!!!!

And worst of all.....what if I don't like being a mom?

Today's panic was set off by a post by a one of my pregnancy buddies on facebook.  She said that her husband looked at her Ford Focus and exclaimed that there was no way all the baby stuff was going to fit in that car.  Uh, I drive a Ford Focus.  And I'm going to have 2 babies.

Then the conversations about car seats and how they fit in the car.  When I shopped to register for a car seat, I didn't even really think about dimensions, I figured they were all pretty much the same.  Because my car is a two door, my priority was a base that stayed installed so that the seat just clicks in and clicks back out without being installed and uninstalled all the time.  I pop into the conversation asking if I'm totally screwed and the buddies tell me I should probably check dimensions to make sure I'm not getting a car seat that will force me so far forward that I'm steering the car with my boobs.

So I check the depth dimension - 30.7 inches.  And I take a tape measure out to my car and measure from the back of the horizontal part of the back seat to where the drivers seat sits when in my most comfortable driving position.  25 inches.  Uh oh.  I move the seat forward to accommodate 31-32 inches.  And I can't even get in the seat, much less consider driving like that.


I spent the rest of the day shopping for car seats based on dimensions.  I found myself with a handful of candidates, mostly convertible seats that will change to front facing when the time comes.  There's only one that has a permanently installed base (and you can buy extra bases separately) and fortunately, it's also the car seat that has a handle as well so that it's a carrier.  The others didn't appear to be baby carriers at all.

This is what I've chosen.

With a different kind of car seat, I had to check the various stroller frames to see if they were compatible.  They are, but not wonderfully so.  Fine, whatever, good enough.  We'll be getting a proper double stroller when the babies outgrow being carted around in the car seat soon enough.

What if I hadn't run across that conversation?  I would have had car seats that didn't fit in our cars!  Luckily I discovered my mistake before it became a big deal to correct it, but shit!  What else am I going to make decisions about that I drastically regret later???  What if our cars are simply too small and we really need to buy a bigger car?  We can't afford a different car!  Fuck, what else can I not afford??

All I can picture in my future now is being exhausted, babies with rashes because I chose the wrong detergent or something, and massive amounts of crying and all of those other things that I've always hated about babies and finding myself sitting on the floor sobbing at how much I've destroyed my life by going completely broke financing a dream that turns out to be a nightmare.  I've never made a decision that I can't undo before!  You can't undo babies if it's the wrong life path!

And if any of you tell me I'm just being hormonal, I'z gonna cut a bitch!


  1. You should also measure the dimensions of your trunk for a stroller. I have a Ford Focus also and my standard Graco stroller that came with my sons car seat wouldn't fit in the trunk at all. We finally ended up selling it and getting a smaller stroller. I would imagine a double stroller is much bigger and you'll have an even harder time trying to fit it in the trunk. :)

  2. I agree about the stroller, make sure it'll fit in the trunk. You may have to spend a little more to buy one that folds up small enough. My brother has a two door Accura and made it work with twins (they're 2 now). If you have one near you, go to Babies R Us. They let you take the carseat model out of the store to test it in your car.
    I made a lot of mistakes with my first and will make mistakes with this one. You will feel dumb, cry, and wonder why you ever had kids sometimes. Your kids won't know better and your husband will be there to support you and laugh about it when it's fixed. It's trial and error. Don't worry, you'll figure it out.

  3. We made the carseat mistake with the car seats we got to replace our infant carrier seat. When we went to the carseat check station, they could not be safely installed in either our vehicles. And we were way past the return window AND they were out of the box.

    I would recommend:

    1) Babies R Us will let you take their floor models out to your vehicle to check the fit before you buy them. Even if you don't plan to buy them there, I would swing by BRU and check.

    2) Find a free carseat check station in your area to take your seats to once you have bought them (PRE-babies ideally). They are trained to install car seats, and teach parents how to do it. That way you know for certain that they are safely and accurately installed. If not, you can still find something else (and they can advise you on what to get.)

    3) I know you are on BBC and the car seat board there is WONDERFUL. These ladies are extremely knowledgeable and if you post your sitch (car type, twins, etc.) they can give you great targeted advice. They led us to the seats that we now have (which we love!).

    Good Luck!

  4. Oh Alex, I really had no idea about car seats not fitting. If ever I get to be pregnant and far enough along to even think about them I'll have to keep that in mind. I have a small SUV, Escape, and my friend's car seats fit in mine so I'm hopeful.

  5. Don't panic. You don't have to get a bigger car. The infant seats are temporary in the life of your car. Once your kids convert to a forward facing seat after about a year and change, you will get all that legroom back. BUT, and this is a HUGE but...having twins in infant car seats that have to be put in two sides of your car is problematic. Here is the scenario, you have your two babies in their seats in your stroller, and you are in a busy parking lot. What do you do first? Where do you go? Are you with someone else...or alone? And when you have a door, you have to position yourself on the correct side of that door to get the seat in. We traded in my husband's car for a gently used minivan two months after the twins were born, and I've never looked back. My husband and I aren't made of money, but we've learned that buying a car that's got 30 thousand miles on it cuts the cost in half. Just thinking of having kids like eating an elephant. You look at the elephant and think "No way am I ever going to be able to eat that whole damn elephant!" so you panic. But you CAN eat that just take one bite at a time.

    I will not lie to you. Babies can be very difficult. I spent a LOT of time crying. I had moments of regret. Parenting is a very, very hard job. My worst day of parenting has been about 100X harder than my worst day at any other job I've had. But it is also the most important, most rewarding thing I've ever done. And along with the 'normal' parenting guilt and insecurities, those who have been through IF are doubly hit with the crippling guilt that we wanted this soooo badly and have spent thousands of dollars to get here...we should ENJOY every minute of it. Get that out of your head right now. You will enjoy it, you will love your children more than you ever thought possible....but you will HATE certain aspects of parenting, too. And that is normal. I promise you will not drive away from your kids' college and turn to your spouse and say "Thank G-d that's over with!" . Cross my heart! And when you have one of those days, I'll be here to talk you through it if you want the support. YOU ARE NOT ALONE in feeling this way.

  6. AHHH I DON'T EVEN HAVE A CAR. I don't know how I'm going to transport two children around all the time. I try not to think about it because it's far enough away but whenever I do I panic. Do I need two car seats anyway because what if we rent a car????

    I totally understand your panic. This is like a glimpse into my future posts. AHHHH!

  7. My friends with the 7.5 month old twins have a Nissan Juke - and they could not fit their car seat bases into the car. So they just sucked it up and did not use the bases. It is easier, but it's not a necessity.

  8. Lol! See, unlike you and the previous posters, *I* am the unti on that obsesses about that stuff early. There used to be a website that listed, by car/truck make and model (and model year), exactly which seats would fit. I found t at about 10 weeks into my twin pg, and was freaking because I discovered only a couple of rear-facing seats would fit into the backseat of the Subaru Forester I'd owned for 7 years. MAJOR panic. Then Evenflow (I think) bought the site and killed it...b/c of course only one EF model seat fit in those skinny backseat cars like mine. I remembered a few model names so the weekend. Score I lost my babies, we hit Babies 'R' Us to check them out.

    Did you know you can GO to Babies 'R' Us and try each of the seats in your actual car? We didn't get to that point, but the sales person we talked to said we could definitely try pairs of our top contenders to see how they'd work. DH and I are both tall so we'd need to do that. I think you should try it to sev your mind at ease. (The Chicco Keyfit is one of those that's supposed to be better in cars like yours and my old Subaru.)

    We ended up trading the Subaru in for mechanical reasons and now drive a Honda Pilot. It was not lost on me that I could fit 5 rear-facing seats in it if need be...although, kill me now.

    So...the freaking? Normal. The fear/doubt? Totally normal. I know I'll plan/research/freak as much, I not more, in my next pregnancy. What's helped confirm that I CAN do it and will love being a mom is counseling to process our las train wreck (and the guilt I carried Diego those previous fears/doubts about myself) and loving on my 3-week old nephew every chance I get.

    1. I hate my iPhone's auto-correct!! Nut job, not unti, and due to, not Diego (although I'd happily carry Diego, too, if he's cute).

  9. Oh yah... been THERE. We ended up with the chiccos as well and they've worked out well. The only thing that seriously bugs about them (and I say this not to make it all worse but hopefully to be helpful so you won't be caught by surprise when you're dealing with it) is that you have to push both buttons on the sides of the handles at the same time in order to flip the carrier handle up (wtf, do they not realize we have a BABY in one arm - we don't HAVE two hands free to do this miracle feat). Maybe all carriers are like that though, I'm not sure.

    Um, and also yah, my babies are 10 months old and I *still* feel that way ("what have I done/what else am I going to f- up?!") sometimes. The good news though is that it does all seem to smooth itself out. Usually the only really depressing days are the days I write the nanny her weekly check - HA! Financially I know it's worth it, and the other thing that helps is to remind yourself constantly how resilient kids are... they somehow manage to not be completely wrecked by our incompetence (that's what I'm telling myself anyway). :) You're definitely not alone!

  10. I just saw this quote on FB yesterday, from a mom in NYC. She was commenting on how some ppl may not like her choice of baby sling. It was "Oh, don't worry. Part of being a mom is getting used to the fact that every other mom knows better than you do." People have such varied opinions on all things baby/child related and everyone thinks they are right. I rode on the console between the front seats of my grandparents car when I was a child, I think whatever you find works for your kids will be so much better!! LOL

  11. I know a good stroller that will work for 2 kiddos and carseats and the seats come completely off if you want to consider it. It also fits in the back of our hatchback honda fit (under our privacy shield). If you have any higher end stroller/baby stores, you should check out if they have one you can try out. It really is awesome and we're getting it!

    Check for deals too cuz I've found one with the doubler seat for just over $500 instead of $500 without the doubler seat. Add on 2 chicco adapters and you've got a twin car seat frame that will convert easily into a twin stroller whenever you need it.

  12. You are totally normal! Listen...I've never had multiples, but I did have 3 kids in less than 3 and 1/2 years and we have done it with two cars, one of which was a Honda Civic coupe! I swear, people act like anything less than a 8 person SUV is "impossible" with more than 1 child. It's not. Would a minivan or an SUV be easier? Probably. 3 car seats across the back of my car (not the Civic, by the way, but my double stroller fit easily into the Civic's trunk, and 2 kids easily in the back) isn't the most convenient, but it is totally manageable. You can totally do this with your Ford Focus. And you will totally rock as a mom :) Remember, there is never only one way to do things, though as a previous poster said, you will have to accept that every other mom will in fact know better than you!!! LOL! Take care and good luck!!!

    PS The stroller I have is a Contours Optima Tandem Stroller, very compact and easy to use! And fit in the Civic... ;)

  13. I love this! You are COMPLETELY normal (or, at least that's what I tell myself because I had all of these same thoughts)!! I have twin boys that will be two in May and I found your blog through Kelly's link up! The first six months (or first year, let's be honest here) is completely chaotic and we were in survival mode the whole time. Now, things are still crazy and busy but it's wonderful! You'll be great!!! I love "meeting" other moms to twins...only they can understand the insanity of life with two little ones!! :-)

  14. I have no advice because I have not had kids yet, but if my cousin can do it (she had identical twin boys) then you definitely can. At least you are thinking about this stuff. She was so ignorant and didn't have any instinct. You will be a great mother! Hang in there. I have seen through many cousins and friends that it is all trial and error.


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