My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

I just want to be happy

Had an appointment this morning.

The kiddos are measuring at 25w0d so they are about a week behind, but they are the same size as each other so that's good..  They've pretty much been a week or so behind the whole time so it's not a big shock that they still are.

But my cervix has lost some length too.  We're at 2.5cm and there's some funneling.  So I went from being totally awesome, really safe even if it was a singleton, to average risk of premies for twins.


Today wasn't intended to be a measurement ultrasound but I asked her to do one anyway, just so I could make sure they were still growing.  So she quickly did a head circumference on each and that's where we got the 25w measurement.  Using this website, I looked up the proper circumference for a baby at 25 weeks and it says 237mm.  So, for your viewing pleasure, here is an idea of what my babies head measurements currently are.

I wanted to have every indicator indicating that I would make it to 36-38 weeks.  And that's not the case anymore.  We're looking very seriously at 34 weeks, potentially earlier.  And I got some of those scary "reassurances" like - "For every day that you remain pregnant, that's 3 less days in the NICU."  SHIT!  We're at the point where every 24 hours is a victory???  That's not happy!

Intellectually, I knew this all along.  But emotionally, I was somehow convinced that I would get above 36 weeks and would get to take my kids home within a day or two of being released from the hospital myself.  Ya know, like a normal family.  It's hitting me that it's very likely that I will have to watch my kids grow under a glass dome with tubes and wires rather than by feeling how heavy they get every day in my arms or belly.

Why can't any of this go smoothly?  The one thing I had to tell me that my babies might actually come to term and be healthy, after all of the other danger signs I've had to navigate, now that one thing is being taken away from me too.

So in 2 weeks, I have to take the GD test again, and if my cervix is still shortening, I'll likely go into the hospital for a 24 hours observation stay and a round of steroids to help speed the development of the girls lungs in anticipation for early delivery.  Doc says it's about a 15% chance I'll need to do that.

I also got a vaccine booster for whooping cough.  Apparently there's an epidemic in the next county over because that's where all the hippy dippy's who don't vaccinate their kids live.  So my usual "meh" attitude on the subject of whether or not you choose to vaccinate is now more of a rampage.  Vaccinate your fucking kids or we all pay the consequences!  Kids like mine, who will probably be premies, they might have trouble fighting off the common cold.  So if one of those dipsticks comes into contact with my kids, carrying a stronger virus because it's an epidemic again, they could kill my kids.  And don't give me that bullshit about how someone can be vaccinated and still be a carrier because while that's true, not nearly as many people would have it if everyone had been vaccinated for it.  The fewer people coughing that virus into the air (because they did get sick), the fewer people are exposed to it to carry it to other people.

Don't give me links to all the problems with vaccinations, or all the proof that's out there of what evil things they do.  It's bullshit.  Most of it has it's foundation from a doctor who conducted a study that has since been debunked.  And the rest of it?  Guess what?  For anything you come into contact with, 1 in a million people are going to have a negative reaction to it.  That includes whatever is in the vaccinations, or the dirt that sticks to the lettuce in your salad, or some dye that makes your clothing blue.  So I really don't give a shit what anecdotal evidence you have of some parent who is suffering from inflicting a vaccination on their child.  For every one of those stories, there are a million stories that don't exist of a child dying from some disease that the vaccinations protected him/her from.

I've been the person who lost 2 babies to a one in a million chance occurrence.  So yes, I do know what it's like to be that mother.  But I'll take a one in a million chance over a one in a hundred or a thousand chance any day.  So I really don't fucking want to hear it.


  1. Well shit. You're 26 weeks tomorrow, right? Hang in there, sweet pea. One of the girls in my former twin birth board - second in line behind me based on due date (although we all know how that went for me) - also had funneling and shortening, but her cervix held fast and eventually she delivered via induction at nearly 38 weeks. I'm not kidding!! None of the few girls who had funneling actually ended up with micro preemies. I know, I know, it's hard to believe you or I could end up on the good end of a statistic when we've already been at the wrong end...but it really could turn out ok, Alex! I will believe for you, even if you can't.

    As for the vaccinations thing? Amen, sister.

  2. I totally, 100%, agree with you. I'm a historian, and I can say with certainty that we do NOT want to go back to the times before vaccinations were readily available. Small pox? whooping cough? Tetanus? Mumps? Do people really want the majority of our kids to die before their 6th birthday? GA! It drives me nuts. And that doctor was lying, not just debunked, he lost his license to practice medicine forever because of the damage he caused.

    I also agree with Amy on the funneling issue. I had my twins at 38 weeks, and no one checked my cervix....ever! I could have had funneling at 26 weeks, and I'll never know. Too much cervix checking is actually not a good thing, as I was told, because it can introduce bacteria that can eventually cause pre term labor. So I guess the best thing is to continue and hope for the best, while still being prepared for the worst.

  3. I live not far from those hippy dippy idiots myself. Listening to the outbreaks on the news...ugh! Why don't they just fork out the co-pay and vaccinate their kids. I had my shots when I was a kid!

  4. Remaining vertical as much as Possible can take weight off your cervix. You can absolutely still go to term. The cervix is dynamic and may even measure longer at your next appt. praying for you all!

  5. I totally agree with getting vaccinated. I worked for a pediatrician for years and saw lots of those hippy people's kids so sick getting things that are easily prevented with a vaccine. Some of them even had close calls, were hospitalized because they got extremely sick.

  6. I only had a singleton in my rainbow pregnancy, but my MFM absolutely positively refused to keep monitoring my cervical length after 24 weeks. (We have a very similar loss history - infection/PTL). He swore up and down that after 24 weeks, the cervix is super dynamic and the information just serves to scare the bejeezus out of you and he said symptoms are a much better indication of what's going on than cervical length. I know different docs say different things, but just wanted to share his perspective - he is the top researcher of PTL in my state.


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