So the last couple of days, I've been making an effort to enjoy pregnancy stuff. I've been registering with abandon, and yes, I put some cute pink things on there. I've been pretending to be confident about this whole thing.
Then last night, I had one spot of blood when I wiped. Just a spot, fresh pink blood. Probably from a small scratch or raw area in my crotch (though I'm not sure how I would get a scratch there), as the blood didn't have any other type of fluid mixed in, and it was brand new fresh. Not the kind of blood that's been traveling through the vaginal canal at all. Nope, probably just what you would dab off the spot where you got a shot.
I flipped my fucking lid.
I knew it was surface blood. But I didn't care. I've been building up a hormonal breakdown for some time and I just needed a catalyst. This was it. I did all sorts of crying about how I'm lonely because K is doing a play right now so he's not home in the evenings, and I'm bored because I'm not capable of doing a fucking thing but sit here all day, and I feel useless.
And of course, I felt like I was being punished for starting to gain some confidence. For starting to plan instead of hope. Like the universe just wanted to remind me that I've been all sorts of arrogant and things can still be taken from me in an instant. And I was scared that this was just the first drop and that afraid that I would be doing another trip to the ER within a few hours.
Fuck you universe. You think I've forgotten that this can go away? Do you really think that for a moment I don't have fear and doubt? Yeah, fuck you again. You don't need to fucking remind me.
Why don't I get to just enjoy any of this? Why is it that the moment I do, I'm punished for it?
Quite frankly, this is why I'm such a damned bitch. Every time I try to drift into a happy place, I'm reminded that happy is not for me and I'm smacked back into my dark little corner.
Everything is fine by the way. That spot was it. We found them both on the doppler. They are wiggling and making me sick today.
Ah, Alex, I'm sorry. I think this is just the lot for those of us who have lost our babies. The trauma is lasting. I wish you lIves closer...I'd come visit AND happily recommend my counselor, who totally.gets.it. (She herself had a 2nd trimester loss and infertility.)
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I don't believe that you're a bitch. Kind the self-talk, though...that which we say and think becomes true to our subconscious selves, even when there isn't a shred of truth to it.)
Hugs!!!
Have you thought about counseling? I know in earlier post you discussed PTSD but I don't know if there was a follow up. Also, I know working while pregnant can be uncomfortable but for your own sanity, what about volunteering or temping in an office.
ReplyDeleteAnd remember-you feeling happy or excited will not change the outcome of your babies. The universe is not after you. Don't think irrational!
I wish the blood would just go away and let you have some peace. If the doppler and regular un scheduled ultrasounds aren't helping you to feel better, maybe something else is in order? I know that telling yourself that all pregnancies are different, and lightning doesn't strike twice is not going to work in your case. It isn't necessary for you to feel positive about this pregnancy for it to go to term, my twin pregnancy is proof of that fact, but you don't want to look back on this experience as being totally negative either. Are you going to go in and be checked where the bleeding is coming from for your peace of mind?
ReplyDeleteNo. It definitely wasn't a discharge kind of blood. It was seriously the tiniest little bit. I'm assuming that things are stretching down there and since I go to the bathroom a lot (and thus wipe a lot), it was just a little crack of dried raw skin that bled for half a second. I just happened to see it during the half a second it was there.
DeleteMaybe its a patch of dry skin that just cracked from being rubbed raw. Wait I thought you weren't going to put a single pink thing on your registry because you hate pink!
ReplyDeleteUm, I do. But, uh, well....ya know when you pair it with brown, it's not so obnoxious!
DeleteTotally normal reaction after suffering a terrible loss. I think it's your way of trying to prepare yourself for the worst outcome. It's called "catastrophizing", something I learned to do after suffering from 4 possibly 5 miscarriages. The worst has happened, so you automatically expect more bad things to happen. I need to have counselling for it, maybe you do too?
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you are having a hard time. Don't beat yourself up. You have been through a lot. Like others have said, maybe you should talk to someone. I had helped me and lots of others I know tremendously. Hugz!
ReplyDelete