So the last couple of days, I've been making an effort to enjoy pregnancy stuff. I've been registering with abandon, and yes, I put some cute pink things on there. I've been pretending to be confident about this whole thing.
Then last night, I had one spot of blood when I wiped. Just a spot, fresh pink blood. Probably from a small scratch or raw area in my crotch (though I'm not sure how I would get a scratch there), as the blood didn't have any other type of fluid mixed in, and it was brand new fresh. Not the kind of blood that's been traveling through the vaginal canal at all. Nope, probably just what you would dab off the spot where you got a shot.
I flipped my fucking lid.
I knew it was surface blood. But I didn't care. I've been building up a hormonal breakdown for some time and I just needed a catalyst. This was it. I did all sorts of crying about how I'm lonely because K is doing a play right now so he's not home in the evenings, and I'm bored because I'm not capable of doing a fucking thing but sit here all day, and I feel useless.
And of course, I felt like I was being punished for starting to gain some confidence. For starting to plan instead of hope. Like the universe just wanted to remind me that I've been all sorts of arrogant and things can still be taken from me in an instant. And I was scared that this was just the first drop and that afraid that I would be doing another trip to the ER within a few hours.
Fuck you universe. You think I've forgotten that this can go away? Do you really think that for a moment I don't have fear and doubt? Yeah, fuck you again. You don't need to fucking remind me.
Why don't I get to just enjoy any of this? Why is it that the moment I do, I'm punished for it?
Quite frankly, this is why I'm such a damned bitch. Every time I try to drift into a happy place, I'm reminded that happy is not for me and I'm smacked back into my dark little corner.
Everything is fine by the way. That spot was it. We found them both on the doppler. They are wiggling and making me sick today.