My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Something I don't get

Medical update before moving on to today's random thoughts.

I talked to my GP and he was pretty alarmed at my elevated prolactin levels.  When I gave him the number, his eyebrows jumped and his face did that thing that doctors faces aren't supposed to do.  While I tried to poo-poo the whole silly notion of a brain tumor by saying it's probably a holdover from the pregnancy, he's just shaking his head "nope, that's not it".  So I tried to poo-poo it another direction by asking if it's related to my PCOS.  Nope, not related.  His reaction?  "Well, these things are generally benign." 

Ok, that's NOT the reaction I was looking for here.  I was kind of hoping that we could all have a good laugh at my alarmist relatives for sending me running to the doctor to look for a brain tumor.  Yeah, he's not laughing.

So I get blood drawn and we send it out to the lab.  I call the fertility clinic and cancel my Monday blood draw appointment and kind of let them know that something different has come up that I'm going to have to deal with.

But my blood results came back really early (we were expecting them on the 4th).  Now my prolactin levels are BELOW normal.  WTF?????

So I call back, reinstate my bloodwork appointment at the fertility clinic and we'll see if this one test is a trend or a fluke.  And now my GP and IVF doctors are talking to each other and will be sharing findings with each other.

And I'm back in limbo waiting to find out if I have a brain tumor, if I am good to go on another FET round, or if I should simply just sit here and mope for a while.

So here's the thing I don't get.

I was chatting with the nurse while we were trying to get my blood drawn.  My veins have been drained so many times in the last year that they're starting to fight back by hiding and generally being empty so we had a significant amount of chatting time.  And this is a very small doctors office, so she is perfectly aware of the IVF, miscarriage, K's stomach cancer scare last month (he's fine), my skin cancer scare a few days earlier (I'm fine) and now this.

So I'm just kind of laughing about how the hits just keep on coming.  And she says "Well I think you're just an incredible woman."

Well, thank you, but uh, why exactly?  This last year has been just a string of incredibly bad luck.  How does it make a person brave, or extraordinary to simply live day after day of bad luck?  It's not like I had a choice in the matter.  I mean, if I had been given some cosmic choice, like either that person suffers or I can take on their suffering myself, well then ok, then I would get it.  But having all of this bad luck inflicted on me isn't a choice, and I'm not sparing anyone else any pain by taking it on myself.

There's nothing virtuous about surviving a ridiculous amount of bad luck.

The choices are deal with it or die.  And there's not much choice there since no one has offered an easy way to just die and not deal with this crap.

Is there some reaction here that I could be having that I'm not aware of?  Believe me, I'm crying and swearing about the injustice of it all at just about every opportunity I can get.  Am I extraordinary in some way because I haven't gone on some sort of public rampage?  Honestly, if there's an option out there that's a less brave reaction than I'm having and it would be easier to tolerate than just surviving day after day, I'd be perfectly happy to consider that option.  The day to day surviving isn't a whole lot of fun, but I didn't realize there was another option.

I'm not brave, I'm not extraordinary, I'm not even above average in any particular way.  All I am is still standing (sometimes) after all of these crappy events have taken place.  Show me a less brave option and I'll probably take it.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Please share your thoughts! It makes me feel like I have friends.