Exactly 2 weeks after losing our girls, we're back in the fertility clinic talking about our next attempt.
We have 3 frozen embryos from the last IVF cycle. And it looks like we'll be spending the next year or so banking on those. As much as I want to go for a fresh cycle to increase my odds and to make additional frozen embryos to try with as I get older, unless some generous soul drops $20k on us in the next couple of weeks, a fresh round is simply not feasible.
So we have one, possibly 2 attempts in the bank. Depends on the quality when they thaw on whether they will immediately transfer 2 or all 3.
Since in our successful attempt we transferred 2 fresh embryos and ended up with identical twins, this tells us that one embryo didn't take at all, and one split.
So if they thaw and transfer 2 frozen embryos which have a slightly lower success rate than fresh, there are several possible outcomes:
Nothing takes and no babies
One takes making one baby.
One takes and splits making identical twins.
Both take making 2 babies, fraternal.
Both take and one splits making a total of three babies, one fraternal triplet and 2 identical. Might have a hard decision to make.
Both take and both split making 4 babies, 2 sets of identical twins and a really, REALLY hard decision in our future.
The first two outcomes are the most likely to actually happen. But I'm not going to lie, I'm really hoping for twins again. We ultimately want 2 children, however they get to us, and financially, getting them both at the same time would allow us to spend more on the raising of those children than creating them.
I've got another prescription for Metformin to try to stave off gestational diabetes again. And it helps me lose weight in the mean time. And I've got a prescription for a few rounds of Provera so I can regulate my periods without having to go on the pill which is somewhat counter intuitive to the baby making process.
We're looking at starting the process in March and/or April. It feels wrong for me to spend May trying to make new babies since that's when we expected to have these babies. And when March gets here, I might feel it's too soon even though I would probably start today if I could.
Our anniversary is May 1. My birthday is May 2. K's birthday is May 5. If the girls didn't come on their own by May 7th, we would have induced at that point. I used to joke that one will be born just before midnight and the other would be born just after midnight making their birthdays May 3 and 4.
If we move forward as we currently expect to, we're either going to be getting good news for our birthdays, or that's just going to be one miserable week.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Sneak attack sadness
So after feeling like I was doing pretty well for a couple of days, I got hit again last night.
About 2am, I've taken only 1/3 of a sleeping pill and I'm not feeling very sleepy. I'm about to turn off the light and I start having those warm fuzzy thoughts that one wants to have when about to go to sleep.
But the warm fuzzy thoughts are about what the next year is going to be like and then I remember that my go to warm fuzzy thoughts are no longer something to fantasize about. My next year is not going to be about tucking in babies and sitting on the couch with two babies for lunchtime.
And a whole new wave of sad and tears hit almost as if I hadn't realized that before.
I think I'll take the entire prescribed sleep aid tonight.
About 2am, I've taken only 1/3 of a sleeping pill and I'm not feeling very sleepy. I'm about to turn off the light and I start having those warm fuzzy thoughts that one wants to have when about to go to sleep.
But the warm fuzzy thoughts are about what the next year is going to be like and then I remember that my go to warm fuzzy thoughts are no longer something to fantasize about. My next year is not going to be about tucking in babies and sitting on the couch with two babies for lunchtime.
And a whole new wave of sad and tears hit almost as if I hadn't realized that before.
I think I'll take the entire prescribed sleep aid tonight.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
They'll be back
I have this nagging belief that they'll be back.
I'm not stupid, I know I'm not going to magically wake up and be entering week 21 of the pregnancy like I should be.
And spiritually, I have no defined beliefs so I can't really pin point the idea there either.
But, they'll be back. They might come back one at a time, they might decide to be boys next time, I dunno.
But it's like I've always had 2 children, they were just waiting for us to create a body for them. Guess they didn't like the two I was cooking up and would like us to try making something a little different.
Talked to K about this last night. Mostly because I don't know if this is a safe little delusion to go ahead and believe in. And because I don't want him to look at me with pity like I'm deluded. And I don't want to go on believing something that dishonors what he believes about his girls. We'll talk to the counselor about it and get her opinion. But as far as delusions go, this seems to be an ok one not to force my brain to correct.
But will I be betraying my girls if I feel like one of them has returned when I'm pregnant again? No longer mourning because I will feel like what I've lost is back in my belly? Will I be denying the next baby who s/he is by ascribing him/her with the essence of a previous child?
We didn't get far enough along to believe that they had personalities or real identities yet. Or at least any means of demonstrating those personalities. We gave them names, and I've kind of given them identities, but not completely.
That's probably why I was so obsessed with trying to feel them move for the first time. I think that when the mother feels them move, that's the first direct communication between the child and the mother. Everything else we saw of them was what the doctors told us and showed us rather than a direct line of communication. I wasn't yet in a place where I could know them to be there except when it was shown to me on the monitors and ultrasounds. So there was a disconnect in the information loop. They couldn't communicate with me yet via kicks or other tangible communications.
One might even argue that when I saw one dancing, it was nothing more than a biological reaction to the sugar in the orange juice I drank before going in for the ultrasound. So being rational people, but with some sense of spirituality, we are stuck constantly debating within our own heads whether we believe that they were already little people, or that they were just biological organisms that reacted to stimuli in a scientifically explainable manner.
So I seem to be settling on the idea that we have 2 children out there in the ether somewhere. And that they checked out the bodies we were cooking for them, tried them on for a time, and decided to wait to see what the next body offers and to go ahead and reject these two. And it's even possible that they will prefer the bodies that a different couple can provide and we'll get them back via adoption.
But when they're ready, and when the right body is made for them, they'll be back.
I'm not stupid, I know I'm not going to magically wake up and be entering week 21 of the pregnancy like I should be.
And spiritually, I have no defined beliefs so I can't really pin point the idea there either.
But, they'll be back. They might come back one at a time, they might decide to be boys next time, I dunno.
But it's like I've always had 2 children, they were just waiting for us to create a body for them. Guess they didn't like the two I was cooking up and would like us to try making something a little different.
Talked to K about this last night. Mostly because I don't know if this is a safe little delusion to go ahead and believe in. And because I don't want him to look at me with pity like I'm deluded. And I don't want to go on believing something that dishonors what he believes about his girls. We'll talk to the counselor about it and get her opinion. But as far as delusions go, this seems to be an ok one not to force my brain to correct.
But will I be betraying my girls if I feel like one of them has returned when I'm pregnant again? No longer mourning because I will feel like what I've lost is back in my belly? Will I be denying the next baby who s/he is by ascribing him/her with the essence of a previous child?
We didn't get far enough along to believe that they had personalities or real identities yet. Or at least any means of demonstrating those personalities. We gave them names, and I've kind of given them identities, but not completely.
That's probably why I was so obsessed with trying to feel them move for the first time. I think that when the mother feels them move, that's the first direct communication between the child and the mother. Everything else we saw of them was what the doctors told us and showed us rather than a direct line of communication. I wasn't yet in a place where I could know them to be there except when it was shown to me on the monitors and ultrasounds. So there was a disconnect in the information loop. They couldn't communicate with me yet via kicks or other tangible communications.
One might even argue that when I saw one dancing, it was nothing more than a biological reaction to the sugar in the orange juice I drank before going in for the ultrasound. So being rational people, but with some sense of spirituality, we are stuck constantly debating within our own heads whether we believe that they were already little people, or that they were just biological organisms that reacted to stimuli in a scientifically explainable manner.
So I seem to be settling on the idea that we have 2 children out there in the ether somewhere. And that they checked out the bodies we were cooking for them, tried them on for a time, and decided to wait to see what the next body offers and to go ahead and reject these two. And it's even possible that they will prefer the bodies that a different couple can provide and we'll get them back via adoption.
But when they're ready, and when the right body is made for them, they'll be back.
Feels like it wasn't real
The farther the pregnancy gets away from me in time, the more unreal it feels. It's been just under 2 weeks and it feels like it was years ago or never happened at all. Maybe it was just a game I was playing? Or a dream I was having? Whatever it was, I was really enjoying it at the time.
I'm physically smaller than I was during any of my pregnancy. I'm currently about 10lbs lighter than when I conceived. I'm assuming that will pack back on when I start eating regularly again, but for the moment, I'm considerably smaller than I was. I guess my improved diet during my pregnancy helped me to lose some of my fat while I was gaining baby weight. Now that the baby weight is gone, I'm left with a little less fat than I had when I started.
The bleeding has almost stopped. Just a few traces now. I suspect it will be gone by tomorrow. The last remaining trace of what I had.
My boobs seem to have settled down. It's been a few days since I've seen any traces of leakage and the firmness has pretty much gone away.
I'm both grateful and regretful for this current state of affairs. On the grateful side, I don't just hurt anymore. I can actually live like a living person to a certain extent. On the regretful side, at least while I was actively mourning, I was still involved with my girls in some way.
But I also have the luxury and burden of not needing to leave the house or interact with anyone if I don't want to. I don't have a job to go to (but I'm trying to change that) and I don't have any social obligations to worry about. So I also don't have to be faced with random triggers throughout my day. K has had to deal with a few triggers. Like the very pregnant coworker. Or the comment he overheard from someone stating he was going to be a dad to 2 pretty soon (she had been told of the miscarriage but obviously had a brain fart).
But all in all, it feels like it wasn't real. It's just gone.
I'm physically smaller than I was during any of my pregnancy. I'm currently about 10lbs lighter than when I conceived. I'm assuming that will pack back on when I start eating regularly again, but for the moment, I'm considerably smaller than I was. I guess my improved diet during my pregnancy helped me to lose some of my fat while I was gaining baby weight. Now that the baby weight is gone, I'm left with a little less fat than I had when I started.
The bleeding has almost stopped. Just a few traces now. I suspect it will be gone by tomorrow. The last remaining trace of what I had.
My boobs seem to have settled down. It's been a few days since I've seen any traces of leakage and the firmness has pretty much gone away.
I'm both grateful and regretful for this current state of affairs. On the grateful side, I don't just hurt anymore. I can actually live like a living person to a certain extent. On the regretful side, at least while I was actively mourning, I was still involved with my girls in some way.
But I also have the luxury and burden of not needing to leave the house or interact with anyone if I don't want to. I don't have a job to go to (but I'm trying to change that) and I don't have any social obligations to worry about. So I also don't have to be faced with random triggers throughout my day. K has had to deal with a few triggers. Like the very pregnant coworker. Or the comment he overheard from someone stating he was going to be a dad to 2 pretty soon (she had been told of the miscarriage but obviously had a brain fart).
But all in all, it feels like it wasn't real. It's just gone.
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