So, I'm going to share with you all again what I see as the purpose of this blog. My goal is to try to make people feel better. Stick with me, I'm going to explain that because I know some of you just choked on your coffee.
I'm leaving my thoughts and experiences behind so that the person who is googling what is making their lives suck at the moment might find me out here saying "yeah, me too." No one goes into google and types "I'm having a great day, tell me about your great day!!!". No. We reach out and search for others experiences when things are wrong, or upsetting, or we feel alone in our negative thoughts.
Internet forums and magazine articles are filled with people trying to shit rainbows and glitter on your bad day. Strangers patting you on the head with a glib "cheer up!" or "count your blessings!" or other demands that you not feel the negative that you're currently feeling. I'm not one of those people because those people always make me feel worse. They make me feel like it's some sort of failing that I'm in a bad place at the moment. So whatever was putting me in a bad place, now I'm both in that bad place AND I've got the guilt and failure that it's my fault I'm there and can't get out of it.
What makes me feel better? When someone else says "Yeah, I feel/felt the exact same way." During the girls early months, I was outside of a Moms of Multiples meeting bawling my eyes out. The meeting was over and I had to go home to the misery of it all. I was feeling awful that I took care of my girls out of obligation and not out of some motherly attachment and adoration. That they didn't feel like they were even mine. I spewed all of this verbal diarrhea on another mom and she said that she had felt the exact same way. That after all the IVF, all the desperately wanting of children, she felt exactly how I was feeling during those first few months. That made me feel so much better. Until someone else said they felt that way, I felt like a complete freak for not having that wave of bond and love the moment I first held my girls. Then another mom told me about how that love creeps up on you over time. How you just want to run away for a few months, then one day you'll find that you don't mind going home from whatever errand you're running, and then one day you'll kind of miss them when you're away.
These experiences aren't out there in the books, magazine articles, birth announcements. Ok, they are in the books, the self help books about what's wrong with you. But these experiences aren't wrong, they're just unpleasant so people pretend they don't exist.
I don't pretend. Unpleasant shit exists in this world. It just does and no amount of unicorns shitting glitter and rainbows will change that.
I'm currently the facilitator for the first year group of EMOMS. When I go to meetings and help keep the conversation flowing, I walk a very fine line between letting people know that not everyone experiences rainbows, while at the same time trying not to scare the crap out of everyone. I try to let people know that my experience was awful and I'll be honest about it to anyone who wants to talk to me privately. I'm the person that the majority of the room is afraid to hear from, but after the meeting, in quiet, hushed tones, someone sneaks up to me and whispers "thank you for being so honest, I thought it was just me."
THAT'S the person I'm here for. The person who needs to hear that they aren't alone, the person who is ashamed of what they are feeling or thinking, the person who won't admit things because of the judgment it brings. Think of me as your judgment lightening rod. I'm putting all of the ugly out there because I can take the backlash so someone else can know they aren't alone without having to publicize what they're afraid of admitting.
I started this blog a couple of months into my first pregnancy when I experienced something really upsetting. After sex with K, I had this random emotional breakdown, just this wave of upset that made me cry for no damned reason. I started googling to see if this was some sort of common pregnancy hormone reaction thing and couldn't really find a whole lot. I got some random websites saying how hormone fluctuations lead to mood swings, blah blah blah, all very sterile information, but not personal accounts. That's the day I started this blog. I figured there weren't personal accounts because sex is inherently embarrassing, and I knew that I felt weird about the experience so if others had the same thing happen, well they probably felt weird about it too and didn't want to advertise their weirdness. Since others didn't want to advertise, I figured I'd do it for them. This is weird, it happened to me, so if you're googling alone in the dark, I hope you find me and feel a little less weird about yourself.
At the time, I didn't expect to lose those babies and become a big mess of misery. I just thought I'd write about the day to day weirdness of pregnancy and eventually complain about baby poop under my fingernails. But then shit happened and this became a very different blog for a while. When I had the girls, it didn't feel like an ending of the fear and misery of trying to get them here, it really did feel like the fourth trimester trials and I was still on parenting probation to see if I really could bring them into the world.
They're here now. They're almost 17 months now. So now I use this space to think things through, log various milestones, share my complaints about parenting so others can know they aren't alone. Every household seems more together than you feel about yours. I'm just trying to show how not together things are around here. Lift the veil so to speak.
Overall, I'm happy with life. Every day has highs and lows, and I'm going to complain more about the lows than I'm going to celebrate the highs. It's commiserating in the lows that helps people seeking comfort for their problems when they're googling at 3am. 3am googlers, I'm here for you. I'll be the public face of every ugly thought or feeling you have so you can keep yours hidden.
But every once in a while, I'll overhear my girls giggling and I'll sneak around the corner with a camera and capture something really cute that's happening. Sometimes I'll let you in on those moments too.
My cousin was a huge help for me… I went through PPD and I told her that I felt nothing for my baby and felt like something was wrong with me, because I didn't love him right away. She replied, "Sometimes it takes time to fall in love with your baby." That's how it was for me. It took time. You hear stories about how a woman is just automatically on cloud 9 and totally loving her baby, but not about the sleepiness nights for MONTHS… I held on to the words, "I promise it will get better."
ReplyDeleteI love this post. Thanks for being there at 3 in the morning.
ReplyDeleteI had the same exact experiences you had. And when I read your blog, I hear your love for parenting, even when it is a struggle. I also totally understand your desire to have another child, even though parenting the first two was so hard. I have said it on many infertile blogs before, and I'll say it again: Getting pregnant with IVF is hard, being pregnant after infertility and loss is worse, and parenting after infertility and loss is the hardest pat of all. Nobody says that just because it is HARD that it isn't enjoyable and rewarding. It's just....really hard. Easier for some than others, but really, really, really wanting something doesn't make it any easier once you get it. If that were true, all of us infertile ppl who finally have kids would find parenting a walk in the park. The good news is, that parenting again after having twins is incredibly rewarding and a LOT easier :) Keep putting yourself out there. There are a lot of moms out there who understand and who've got your back. Myself among them.
ReplyDeleteYES! I am SO sick & tired of people being rainbow sprinkles all the damn time. I'm just so glad someone else understands that one way to feel better about something is to find out you're not alone. Thank you thank you!
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