Wow. Thanks so much everyone! I was really expecting radio silence after my post about being miserable, but I've gotten more support comments than I thought I had readers!
I called the doctor and he saw me late afternoon yesterday. Being the end of day on a Friday and not being a psychiatrist, there wasn't a whole lot he could do, but we talked a bit and came to the conclusion that in the short term, I need sleep. I didn't sleep much during the last couple of months of pregnancy, and I'm now a really light sleeper with every single baby nurfle waking me up. One little noise and I'm officially awake waiting for the "feed me" scream, even if it's another hour or two before it happens.
My years of bipolar disorder was triggered by life long sleep deprivation. I had sleep apnea really bad and went my entire life not getting deep sleep until I had surgery to correct it a few years ago. Once I had that surgery, I went off my depression meds (about a year later to try to get pregnant) and never needed to go back on them.
The doc gave me a prescription for a few nights worth of Seroquel which will apparently put me in a coma for 8-10 hours. I've been warned that when I take one, be prepared to be done for the night because I will soon be out cold. He also gave me the info for a therapist that specializes in this and instructions to make an appointment for early next week.
Honestly, I don't know what therapy will do for me. I tend to outsmart it to some degree. Yes, I have a really funky history with the infertility, losing a set of twin girls and now giving birth to a second set of twin girls. I mean come on, that's just weird. But even though I have a rough history, I just don't think there's a whole lot of therapy to be done. While I was going through all of that, I kept very in touch with my feelings, allowed myself to feel them, and I think I went through the grieving and stress processes pretty well. I'm just not sure what there's left to work through. But I'll give it a shot and see if there's help to be had going that route.
Even though K had to work today, he insisted that I sleep last night. He practically shoved an Ambien down my throat (because I can wake up with Ambien, we don't know about Seroquel), and he slept on the couch and kept the girls in the living room while I slept undisturbed the whole night. I felt like such an asshole doing that! He is feeling the stress and lack of sleep too. He's wrenched his back and has been in some pain the last couple of days which is a stress pain he hasn't felt in years. I just felt like it was so unfair for me to get a full nights sleep when he hasn't had one either, especially with him having to work the next morning. Why do I deserve to sleep and he doesn't? Add that to my "I feel so guilty" list. I'm not sure if we're still going to knock me out tonight as planned, we'll discuss it when he gets home from work. It's either a moot point now that I feel better, or we should go ahead and do it to give me more of a solid footing for the upcoming week.
Good lord what a difference a night makes. I woke up about 3am to pump and help hold a bottle in a babies face, but then I slept solidly until 9am when K woke me up so he could leave for work. I feel like a normal human being today.
I'm not saying I'm over it. And I'm not saying that I won't be a crying freaking mess an hour from now, but for the last 7 hours, I've been puttering around the house, actually in a decent mood. And today I think the babies are kinda cute instead of looking at them as little time bombs. Haven't cried today, yet.
I think K and I will figure out some way to make sure that each of us gets one solid night of sleep per week. The idea of sleeping when the babies sleep is all well and good, but in practice, if they make a noise that I'm capable of hearing, I'm just not sleeping. Babies don't sleep silently so if I'm going to really sleep, I can't be in the same room with them or with a monitor. I need to be out of earshot. It's a good thing I really trust K and his fathering skills.