I feel so guilty

All the time.  Just guilty.  All.  The.  Time.

Most of the people reading this blog have been with me through the infertility and miscarriage struggles.  You're here because you share a similar struggle and maybe you just haven't removed me from your feed yet now that the topic of the blog will inevitably change to actual parenting instead of fantasizing about parenting. Maybe you found me because you're also a new twin parent and are looking for various tips, or just looking for someone else who's sleep deprived like you are.  However you found me or your reason for reading, you're going to absolutely hate me for my next statement.

So far, I hate parenting.  There.  I said it.  I have everything I've been dreaming about for years and I'm hating it.  I'm not overwhelmed with connection to my babies, or an addiction to holding them like other mothers describe.  They are a job, one that I'm not very good at, and until they can look at me and recognize me, I'm not sure that connection will really hit me.

I absolutely dread the moment my babies will wake up, and I endure the parenting process until they fall asleep again.  When someone else is in my home, be it my husband, or an aunt or cousin who has come over to help out for the day, I simply want to foist the parenting onto them and get in my car and run away.

Of course I'm not actually running away.  Ok, so I'm taking advantage of helpers and when they come over, I'm leaving to do some grocery shopping, or taking a half hour to sit at the local Starbucks, but I'm never more than about 10 minutes from the babies.  And eventually I do want to come back.  I just hope that they are sleeping when I do.

I am so overwhelmed with guilt.  Constantly.  And a solid 50% of my guilt is completely irrational.

• I feel so guilty that I don't feel a stronger connection.  That I'm the ungrateful infertile.  (PS - this is one of the main reasons I haven't been writing much.  I complained about not being able to get pregnant, I complained about being pregnant, I'm totally ashamed of the fact that most of my thoughts are now complaints about being a mother.  So I'm just not writing because obviously, I just suck as a human being.)
• I feel so guilty that we're in a financial black hole from achieving this goal and I'm not happy now that I've achieved it.
• I feel so guilty that my girls are so little because I wasn't able to grow them bigger and hold them in longer.
• I feel so guilty that I'm crying all the time.  Sometimes there's a reason, sometimes there's not.
• I feel so guilty that K is doing more than his fair share of baby soothing in the middle of the night, even when he has to work the next morning.
• I feel so guilty that there was a fun holiday yesterday and it didn't even occur to me to do anything about it in terms of having some sort of fun or showing the fireworks to the girls (even though they are too little for it, I feel guilty that I'm just generally a party pooper and will miss out on future fun opportunities for them because I simply can't be bothered).
• I feel so guilty that I'd rather be washing bottles and let K get the girls when they wake up rather than just automatically dropping everything to be Mom when the girls cry.
• I feel so guilty that I'm pumping rather than nursing, even though nursing is really difficult when they are this small.
• I feel so guilty that I've only taken about 200 pictures of the girls and absolutely no video.  I'm a videographer for fucks sake!  I have 2 devices within reach at all times on which I can record video and nope, nada.
• I feel so guilty that they are starting to exit the itty bitty stage and enter average newborn size, and I didn't do more to document the itty bitty.
• I feel so guilty that we aren't even using the nursery I spent so much time decorating and arranging, but rather we're keeping them in the living room with us during the day and in a pack and play in our bedroom at night.
• I feel so guilty that I haven't bought a mobile to put over their heads, even though they don't have the eyesight to see one yet.
• I feel so guilty that I'm looking at Facebook on my phone while feeding babies.
• I feel so guilty that I'm thinking about when I can stop with giving them breastmilk because I really hate being hooked up to a machine or a baby every 3 hours, and my boobs hurt all the time.
• I feel so guilty that I spent money on a few preemie items that are now being outgrown.
• I feel so guilty that I'm a total clutz when trying to burp my babies and I can't seem to keep their heads from flopping as I try.
• I feel so guilty that I'm using disposable diapers a good portion of the time, even though my grandmother gave us 6 months of diaper service.  I'm trying to use the cloth, but their butts are so small, they almost swim in the preemie diaper covers and pre-folds!
• I feel so guilty that my grandmother died when they were only 6 days old and never got to see them.  Various family members are pretty certain that she was waiting for the news that the girls got here safely before she passed.  She was 100, her body was fading out on her, and she was ready to go.  But once she knew the girls were here, one of the few things she would say in her final days was to call my father "grandpa" and then squeeze his hand.  And  I feel so guilty that at the family gathering to celebrate her life next month, there's a good chance the girls will still be too little for a big gathering and game of pass the baby and we won't be able to go.
• I feel so guilty that I don't know how to play with the babies.  Or sing lullabies.  Or just in general, what the fuck do you do with a newborn after you've changed their diaper and fed them?  I just don't know what the heck you're supposed to do to pass the time until they fall asleep again!  I have no play instinct!
• I feel so guilty that I generally keep the house pretty dark because my eyes are so light sensitive and I might be fucking up the babies ability to learn proper circadian rhythms.
• I feel so guilty that I kind of want to get rid of my 13 year old cat because the bastard insists on peeing in front of the litterbox instead of inside of it.  Yes, we have pads down, and I'm sick of having cat urine either sitting on the pad or going through my washing machine again.  (No, I'm not actually going to get rid of the cat)
• I feel so guilty that I want a diet of pure cookies.
• I feel so guilty that I'm pretty much back to my pre-pregnancy weight, and with all the dieting I did the months before pregnancy and now the general shifting of where the weight is on my body, none of my clothing fits and I might have to buy clothing yet again, for the what is it now, 5th time in a couple of years?
• I feel so guilty that I'm not as excited about being able to have sex again in a couple of weeks as K is.

And the list goes on and on.  New mom guilt.  Possibly the beginning of post partum depression.  I'm gonna go eat a brownie and probably disappear for another week or two before writing again.  Maybe I won't.  I dunno.  I don't even know what day it is anymore.