My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

It's official

And it sucks.  Hcg = 0.

I've been aware of that for a few days now but it was made official today. 

I pretty much reacted last night.  The moment that hope officially flew out the window, I started bawling.  And for hours on end, I just got hit with wave after wave of tears.  The crying started in early evening, and was off and on until the wee hours.  Around 2am it became constant and every time I thought it was finally subsiding, I got whacked again. 

It's like losing the girls all over again.  I know what I said before about almost wanting this attempt to fail so I could go on to a fresh round, but when you're all hormoned up, the logic of what you convinced yourself you wanted goes completely out the window and you just react hysterically.

Finally around 4am I woke up K and made him sit with me while I cried.  I don't like to wake him up, especially when he has to work in the morning, but I just couldn't see any end in sight and clearly trying to make it stop on my own wasn't working.

I'm still waiting to get the results of my prolactin and TSH levels.  I thought they were going to be tested prior to transfer but to my surprise they weren't.  So I insisted they be tested today.  I really feel like I wasn't treated as a patient, but rather a protocol.  And if those levels are elevated, and give us a known reason why this didn't work, my fury is going to be difficult to contain.  That will pretty much prove to me that no one was minding the store.  We know that I'm having issues with those two numbers and I find it horribly irresponsible that they thawed 2 out of my 3 healthy embryos without checking to make sure that my body was prepared to host them.

I know that there's no certainty that a procedure will work.  And if it really was just a random "it didn't work this time", I can accept that.  But I still can't believe that no one looked over my paperwork and said "Hey wait a minute, before we do this, maybe we should double check that we aren't just killing them off for no reason!"

I really hate this clinic.  I have an appointment with another clinic on the 6th.  Since I'll probably start a period a day or two after I stop taking the progesterone, by the time I meet with the new doctor, even if I like him and decide to go with him, it will be too late to try during the July cycle.  And then we move into August.  The question becomes - do we wait another month, or do we do a brand new cycle exactly one year following the cycle that gave us our girls?  If that were to succeed, the pregnancy would have the exact same schedule and due dates, just one year later.

It's silly and arbitrary, but yet it would feel so wrong to do that.


  1. Alex, my Alex. I am beyond words of sorrow for you, Love. Emily/ExquisiteStudios

  2. I'm right there with you wondering if they didn't 'mind the store' so to speak.

    I wish that there were RE's out there who knew first hand the pain of losing babies. I think they'd operate differently and take every precaution known to man.

    I really really wanted to hear good news for you because I think you deserve it, and your baby/babies will be lucky to have you. You don't deserve all this pain.

  3. oh Alex, I'm so sorry. I was wishing for good news for you.


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