At grief counseling today, one of the things the counselor said is that I seem to be pretty hard on myself.
Yeah, in some ways I am. And there's a reason for that.
The reason is, I have not lived up to the advantages I've been given. And considering all of those advantages, how dare I feel anything but grateful? And how dare I be anything but successful?
And yet, I'm miserable and struggling. So many people on the planet have so much less than me, and yet they are able to make something of themselves and find joy in the simplest of pleasures.
I grew up with 2 parents who adored each other as well as me and my brother, they protected me from anyone who might hurt me, they provided a stable place both emotionally and financially for us to grow up. After a few years on my own, they had both the means and the generosity to bail me out when I got in over my head due to my own mistakes. My grandmother chose to give away her inheritance while she was still alive so I had an infusion of a significant amount of money for a lot of years.
I have the advantages of 2 working legs, 2 functioning arms and hands, and raw intelligence. I was guaranteed a college education by my parents so I didn't join the adult world uneducated or in debt.
And yet here I am, well beyond the youth stage, and I'm no further along in life than I was 15 years ago.
For the most part, my body works as it should. Ok, not in the fertility department, but just about everything else works. And yet instead of using what I was given, I've squandered it by eating too much crap and not exercising.
I've been given every financial advantage and again, I've squandered it by not investing it or working hard enough to earn my own way so I could put those bonus finances to better use and now I'm in the shit again.
I have no mental impairment but I haven't been able to leverage that to further a career or accomplish much more than the occasional witty facebook status that falls flat and therefore, must not be too terribly witty.
Our president grew up with a lot fewer advantages than what I was given and look at what he's accomplished for himself through hard work. There are people running marathons who lost their leg and have to use a prosthetic, but that didn't stop them from keeping fit and pushing forward. There are so many people with limited mental capacities due to down syndrome or other ailments and they are holding down jobs because they are hard workers with good attitudes.
It's really hard to accept that my hardships are bad luck, or the economy, or whatever else people might tell me to try to make me feel better. The simple fact is, I'm an adult and I'm not self sufficient. And I've been given a whole lot more than my fair share in life that I haven't done anything to earn other than be born into the right family.
So yeah, I'm hard on myself. And I damned well should be.