My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Afraid of not sleeping

So far, I have not gone to bed a single night since it happened without taking a sleep aid of some sort.

I used to be a horrible insomniac.  So on the one hand, I have plenty of experience and knowledge about sleeping pills, on the other hand, I also know the torture of lying in bed at night without sleep coming any time soon. 

I had surgery on my face to fix sleep apnea a few years ago and since then my sleep has regulated.  The change was actually quite dramatic.  I used to be 50% asleep 24/7.  Since I never fully slept, I never fully woke either, which made trying to go from awake to asleep just torturous.

I'm terrified of experiencing that again.  If I lie there for more than a half hour, I'm going to turn into a sobby mess because my brain will start to go over the horribleness of December.  If that happens, I'll not only be awake, but I'll be uncontrollably sobbing in the middle of the night all by myself because I don't want to wake K when he has to get up in the morning.

I don't particularly want to have emotional breakdowns.  I really don't want them in the middle of the night by myself.

At this point, I've probably built up a tolerance so I'm not even sure the ambien is actually doing anything.  So most nights, I'm cutting the pill in half (or even smaller portions when I can) and at least taking it for the placebo effect.  If I'm not afraid of lying down to sleep, I might actually sleep. 

But at some point, I have to go to bed without taking popping a pill in my mouth.  That's friggin scary.

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