I just dug out my maternity jeans.
I've gained about 30lbs and as a result, I really only have one pair of proper jeans that fit right now. I promised K I would make a sincere effort to do some pottery while the girls napped today and when doing pottery, I really need to wear jeans. I always get some clay on my thighs and when wearing yoga pants or leggings, the water soaks through, so denim is my wardrobe of choice in there.
I'm one of those people who only washes my jeans when necessary. Part of the reason is that when they come out of the dryer, they're always a little bit tighter and I just don't want to deal with that. So I'd like to save my proper jeans for when I'm going out in public. Thus, digging out my maternity jeans.
For a moment I felt shame. Shame that I'm so fat that I'm resorting to a big elastic belly instead of a standard fly. Then I put them on. Fuck you Fashion, this is awesome! I'm so comfy!!! I'll be able to crunch my belly as I lean over the wheel without the waistband marks of shame digging into my belly. Screw regular jeans, I might just buy maternity pants for the rest of my life.
I can't hide that I'm fat. Seriously, there's just no pretending that I'm anything but a big, round person. So why am I buying giant versions of clothing that are only comfortable on skinny people? Yes, I'm embarrassed about my weight. I'm overall just embarrassed to exist right now. But I'm going to be just as embarrassed wearing pants that dig into my stomach, so why not just be embarrassed but comfortable?
So here I am, a walking fashion faux pas while my blobbing belly celebrates and cries out in victory (an for some reason a Scottish accent) "Freedom!!! You can not contain the belly!!!! I laugh at your waistbands of shame. From this day forward, I celebrate my freedom!!!"