My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Much needed temper tantrum

When last I spoke, I was stressed to the point of being shut down.  I knew that I needed a good cry and had kind of been trying to get one started for days, but I just couldn't muster up enough emotion to let it all out.

I finally hit my breaking point, looking in the mirror and realizing how disgustingly fat I've become and cried my friggin eyes out.

I'm feeling trapped in a lot of ways, by not being able to really get away from the house or responsibility for any length of time and especially by my own body.  I feel like I'm trapped inside a Michelin Man costume and can't get out.  All of my clothes are tight, I look like a walking sausage, I can just feel it all the time.  Of course all I want to do to feel better is to eat all the brownies which I don't think will help the overall situation.

So I finally had a good cry, a sobbing temper tantrum, and I feel better now.  I'm still completely disgusted with myself and nothing has really changed about any of my stressful situations, but I finally tipped the stress bucket over, let some of it spill all over the floor, and now there's room to hold some more.

K was diagnosed today with a bulging disk.  He's at the specialist now to devise a treatment plan but it looks like surgery won't be a part of that.  Physical therapy, injections to reduce the swelling and ease the pain, and some time to heal I think.  If nothing else, a lot of his fear has been calmed down which will put him in a better mood, which in turn will reduce a lot of my stress.  K doesn't get in a bad mood very often so it's very stressful to me when he does.

From what my cousin has said about her own bulging disk treatment, the exercises sound very yoga-esque.  Once we understand what movements are beneficial to him, maybe we should start doing yoga together in the evenings.  We'll probably look and feel like idiots at first but maybe it's something we can figure out together.  Maybe I should make one of those videos where you document how much you suck at first so you can show how much better you are a year later.

Anyway, I was at the breaking point with life, I broke, I'm on the mend.


  1. I have two bulging/herniated discs in my lower back and on in my neck. Not fun! Hoping he can find some pain relief soon.

  2. I'm glad you got a good cry out. If you ever need someone to vent to....csoellinger at yahoo dot com. I've been following your blog for a long time, can't remember how I ended up here in the first place. But our stories are similar. I have PCOS, had a couple of mulitple's miscarriages, PCOS, IVF, have twin daughters. I also am overweight and have a hip disability that has me walking with a cane. I lost weight post birth of my twins due to nursing...stopped nursing, gained weight. Somehow now I'm loosing again but it has been a struggle. And being in pain (like you with your feet) makes it all so much harder.

  3. Just started reading your blog and man does it make me feel better that there is someone I can relate too. I'm a mother of twin boys the same age as your girls. I have come to a shut down point as well. I now just sit there and agree with everyone because I don't have the energy to debate everything. It has just become easier to give in to everyone and keep my head down and do what I have to do to get through every day. Hang in there, I have to believe that everything happens for a reason and things will get better.


Please share your thoughts! It makes me feel like I have friends.