My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Checking out

I'm tired.  I don't know if I have some depression creeping up on me, if I'm just too stressed, or if I'm just the same as every other mom in need of a break.  I'm just out of steam.

Don't get me wrong, this isn't like the newborn stage where I was just insane with stress, I'm just at a place where I've kind of given up on everything and I've switched over to autopilot.  I have no emotion left to invest at the moment.

  • I'm frustrated with what's going on politically and legally around the country.
  • The girls are cutting another molar and are understandably cranky.
  • I'm worried that Teeny Tiny is allergic to peanuts.  I find out in a couple of days.
  • I'm stressed that developmentally, I think the girls should be further along than they are.
  • Middie Biddie has learned to pull herself to standing in the crib but still hasn't mastered the skill of getting back down.  So even nap time is frustrating right now with her pulling up and then screaming bloody murder until I come and rescue her.
  • K is still in pain and not very mobile.  That alone is stressful but it also leads to:
    • I can't get a moment off from the girls because even when he's here to help, I have to put a child in his lap if he's going to do evening bottles or help soothe at bedtime.  When I have to be elsewhere, just to be safe I'm calling in a second grown-up to hang out with K while I'm gone so he doesn't have to lift them at all.
    • My housework load has increased because no one else is helping out.
    • He's in a bad mood because he knows this is adding stress to me and that frustrates him.
    • He's using up PTO time to try to heal rather than to actually take a vacation or to get all the projects done that we wanted to get done.
    • Upper management is making noises about not allowing him to use more PTO, but rather to go on medical leave which will cut his income to 60% for however long that may last.
  • Tyg has been missing for a few weeks, and now Spot has been missing for about a week.  I'm hereby declaring them gone for good, partly because every time I do, they magically reappear.
  • My bedroom is a patchwork of ripped out carpet and the cat continues to pee on it.  Because we want to put the new floor in, lately when the cat has peed, I've just ripped out that portion of carpet and thrown it out.  Easier than cleaning it and gives us a head start on eventually redoing the whole thing.  The room fucking stinks no matter how much cleaning and carpet disposal I do.
  • I hate hot weather.
  • I'm at my record non-pregnant fat weight.  We started tracking calories again to try to reverse this fact, but fuck it, I want chocolate and I'm going to fucking have it.
  • I'm unshowered more days than I'm showered lately.
  • My back and shoulders are still burning and hurt all the time.
  • I think the girls are going through a growth spurt.  They are plowing through the food I prepare for them making me head back into the kitchen to try to scrounge something more because they aren't done eating.
  • Finances are tight and may be getting tighter.
  • My teeth are disintegrating out of my head.  I can feel cavities with my tongue and I have no idea how much I'm going to be able to afford (both in time and money) to get fixed.  Seeing a new dentist on Tuesday which is just embarrassing.
*sigh*  I need a recharge.  I have no idea how to get one.  Until I figure it out, I'm just coasting on autopilot without much personal investment.


  1. Ug. This all just sucks for you guys :( I wish I was closer I would come and lend a hand.

    The standing up and not being able to sit back down stage really sucks. I finally resorted to putting NB in the play yard to sleep because he couldn't pull himself up on the netted sides. It worked until the next stage. It's always something.

    I really wish I could just come over and help clean...or rip out carpet..or something. I sympathize anyway.

  2. Sorry you are having to deal with so much all at once.

  3. I read this and I've been trying to think of a way to come up. This week is insane, but I have some free days next week. It does feel like there is always a lot going on. I can really empathize. I am so sorry my friend :(


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