My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

It's time for something to change

Lots of posts about stagnation lately.  I'm ready to try to change something.  I've been here before and when I've tried to do things, I've failed miserably (I'm looking at you part time job hunt!) so this is scary.  I'm trudging through the motions without hope that anything will actually happen, but at least I'm making the motions.  Things were pretty damned happy for a while, but we've kind of been sliding downhill and I'd like to stop the trajectory before we fall off Mt. Happiness all together.

Since injuring his back (turns out it's a ruptured disk, not a bulging disk), he's just been checked out.  He speaks the love language of acts of service and not being able to do the basics around the house has really been frustrating him.  On top of that, this is the first time his body has ever broken and it's scaring the crap out of him.  I'm pretty sure this has sparked a mid-life crisis.  He's suddenly seeing a little mortality and not liking it one bit.  Honestly, I think what pushed him over the edge was upper management at work talking about putting him on a forced leave of absence which would cut our income dramatically.  He's dealing with the possibility of having trouble working if his body doesn't heal properly.  I'm not very afraid of this, people have worked with bad backs before and there's plenty of work to be done at his job that doesn't require physical lifting.

I get it.  This sucks, it's scary, it makes a very uncertain future seem really close at hand.  But he's not only pulling out of doing work around the house (which is as it should be), he's also pulling out of our relationship by wrapping himself up inward.  That's not acceptable.  It's not as if our relationship is based on active things he can't do anymore, most of our together time is spent sitting on the couch watching TV, but he's not engaged at all.  I'm having to say things three or four times for him to hear me.  When you're just telling little jokes or randomly commenting on something, repeating yourself doesn't work.  I've even been trying to discuss various parenting questions and he just won't converse or he gives me one word answers and then gets angry when I want a discussion rather than an answer to a question.

I sat him down for a talk about this last night.  I miss him.  He was physically gone for months at rehearsals and now he's been emotionally gone for another month.  We talked about how he's feeling with all this and how I didn't marry him for his body or what services he could provide for me, I married him for him and I need him back.  I don't expect him to snap back into himself right away, but today before work he seemed to be participating a bit more so I'm hoping he'll be back soon.

As for me, well, we've talked about me going back to school.  I've been thinking marketing, but K suggested I do something with my writing so he would like to see me go to school for journalism.  The college campus about 2 miles from home has some good programs.  But realistically, school isn't in the cards right now.  We're having trouble paying bills as it is so tuition just isn't something we can do.  In three years, both of our cars should be paid off and the girls might be in school, so we've shelved that idea and will revisit it then.

I'm actually getting some encouragement/pressure to maybe write a couple of books.  Some people think I have a story to tell about the last few years of my life and others think I have an entertaining way of presenting the tips and tricks I'm learning as a twin mom.  So those are two ideas I have kicking around in my head.  The problem is, every time I think "yeah, I could write a book!" I'm immediately met with that voice in my head saying "Who the hell are you to write a book???  Your struggle isn't the hardest ever struggled and it's not like you're an expert on ANYTHING.  Who the hell are you to think your story is dramatic enough for reading or to be giving anybody any advice??  If you had anything interesting to say, your blog would be a whole lot more popular than it is.  If people won't read it for free, they sure as hell ain't gonna buy a copy."

That voice is my biggest hold up.  It's the same voice that convinces me not to bother job hunting because I'll just embarrass myself with how unqualified I am.  Since you are the people who seem to think what I have to say is worth reading, if anyone would like to send me some encouragement to combat that voice, I'd sure be appreciative.  Yes, I'm fishing for compliments.  And followers if you're so inclined to let me know you're out there reading me.

In the mean time, I spent today bookmarking some websites where you get paid for writing.  I'll do some more research into those to see if there might be an audience for things I have to write, or if there are writing assignments that I could complete for other people.  So I'm actively exploring the idea of professional writing in some capacity.

I also ran across a job listing for a pottery store looking for a production assistant, about 10 hours a week.  I'm sure there are more qualified candidates, but I threw my tattered hat into the ring.  At 10 hours a week, we could probably work it out around K's flexible schedule and the occasional babysitter when our schedules overlap, so any income wouldn't be eaten by day care.  It would be really nice to have an identity outside of these walls and a small paycheck coming in.

I highly doubt anything will come of any of this, but at least today I attempted to move some of these stagnate waters.


  1. I've been reading eagerly since before the twins were born. I enjoy your blog and your writing style. Doubt is a creatitivy killer, believe in yourself!

  2. I hate that stagnant feeling! Ug :(

    I hurt my back a couple of weeks ago. It is an old injury and not nearly as bad as a ruptured disk, but the constant pain is draining. It is exhausting because it hurts all the time, it takes an enormous amount of effort to do anything, and at the end of the day I just want to curl up and cry and then go to sleep. I have been withdrawing into myself because after the kids are asleep I just don't have the energy.

    I love reading your blog. If I were you I would just start writing and block out all those negative voices in your head. When my twins were one I started volunteering at a museum to get my head back into the game. You already write here, but you could try polishing blog posts and submitting them, and getting your juices flowing. I, for one, think your writing is good enough to get paid for it if you can find your niche :)

  3. I've been reading your blog since you were first pregnant with your girls. I check in often because I really enjoy your writing and perspective. The way you write tends to suck people in, it really is a gift. Don't doubt yourself!

  4. I also have been following you since your pregnancy. I came across you on a birth forum (I have a son the same age as your girls). Your story and perspective sucked me in. I follow you regularly now because you do have something to share that is worth reading in my opinion. Good luck!

  5. My twin boys are 9 months old and I really enjoy reading your parenting & relationship perspectives. You're "real", down to earth, and relatable. Please keep writing. I applaud your initiative, venturing into the world of writing assignments/projects for extra income. I'm sure you can do it!

  6. I have other friends who are writers and trust me, you are much more interesting and realistic than they are. I've followed you all throughout your pregnancy and now. Our kids are the same age (mine was early too), and I also had big infertility problems. Reading your blog is better than talking to someone over my kitchen table. I can relate with your struggles and fears. I have similar ones and I also have the distinct feeling hanging over me of working so hard to get a child that you'd better not screw this up (then feeling like you are always screwing it up). Blog on, I'm sure someone will pay you for your writing because it is real, true, and honest.

  7. I'm glad you had a chat with K. I know that with Hubster, "supporting his family" is a BIG part of his identity. To have something come up that questions his ability to provide is incredibly emasculating and he also will pull into himself. I know you guys will get through this!

    I know those vices of doubt so well! But you have to remember, that if you listen to them you'll fail before you even start! I think you are such a fun, witty writer! I'm such a Nook junkie, but if you publish something I want a hard copy with your signature! I remember when I was first realizing that something was wrong, that we would be facing infertility. I remember wandering Barnes and Nobles, looking for SOMETHING, ANYTHING to be there about where I was coming from, some kind of help or support. And I came up with a big zip, nada, nothing. Women NEED books about infertility. Books about the big bad dark places - and surviving them. It took me much longer to look into the world of blogging for support, a book would have been my comfort-blankie during those lonely times. So yes, I DO believe people will buy and read your books!

  8. I also have been an avid follower of your blog since you were pregnant and think you are an amazing writer! My twins are a month younger and this is the only blog ice found that tells it like it is. You have a real talent and I would buy your book! While I'm here, I've been meaning to comment for a while and say you're doing a fantastic job as a mom. You inspire me, keep up the blogging! Louisa


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