The end of the world

How are y'all doing?  Expecting to see tomorrow or hiding out in a bomb shelter somewhere?

It's fitting that the supposed end of the world should come on the 2nd anniversary of the days my world ended.  We all end up with some sort of tragedy in our lives, and I had this hope that the decades of bipolar disorder I endured would be mine.  No such luck.

During my first pregnancy, I intellectually knew that there was risk, especially with twins, but I didn't really feel that anything could go wrong.  I always knew that I would have trouble conceiving so learning that I would have to do IVF to get pregnant didn't phase me all that much.  So I have to work harder to get pregnant, but once you put the work in, you get the reward, right?  It totally rocked my world when that wasn't the case.

I'm so grateful that I never had to face the reality of my girls being gone, but rather that I can think back on those horrible days 2 years ago as just a painful delay.  I sometimes look at the girls and get all teary eyed.  I'm finally getting that overwhelming love and connection between mother and children that I was so afraid would never get here.

This is me during the Christmas season 2 years ago. Just miserable, plopped on the couch, tissues just out of frame, and a cat trying to make me feel better.  That's the kitty that now belongs to the girls, she guards the nursery door when they are sleeping and insists on hanging out with all of us whenever the girls are awake.

How the picture of my life has changed since then!  For the first time in my life, this Scrooge is thinking about what kind of holiday traditions I want to establish for my family.  No tree or anything this year, but I'm thinking about what to do next year when the girls are able to see Christmas as a day different from other days.  I don't know if I'll get around to writing anything on this, the first Christmas I might actually enjoy, so I'll drop some pictures from our holiday photo session in this post.  Thank you to Sarah at Triskele Photography for these great shots!

Even if today were the last day of the world, I'm good!