My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Monday, December 22, 2014

The curse of Dec 21 and 22

This time of year is cursed.  It just is.  It's like the purge where if you get through these couple of days intact, you get to survive another year.

My cousin just informed via facebook that they have lost their pregnancy.  A colleague is suffering through the day that is not only the 4 month anniversary of her sons passing via SIDS, but it is also the day that marks that he has now been gone just as long as he was here on earth.

And of course, it's my 4 year anniversary.  I didn't actually notice that as the 21st and 22nd passed.  I was reminded when I saw my cousins facebook post and went "oh wow, I can't believe it's the same time of year as ....oh wait, did I already pass the anniversary?  Holy crap, how did I not notice that?"

I've been irritable the last few days. Restless, just feeling unsatisfied in general.  I thought it was a hormonal thing since I'm having my period and as someone who never really had those before, I get hit pretty hard emotionally by the hormones when I do.  Maybe I was being depressed because it's the anniversary even though I didn't consciously remember that it is.

So now I'm going to have a good cry.  Let the guilt of forgetting smack me around a little bit and give some focus to the depression I've had the last few days.  Then I'll pick myself back up, tell myself I shouldn't feel guilty about forgetting since no one is hurt by my forgetting.

Then I'll probably do something to spoil the girls and celebrate those I lost by spoiling the ones I didn't.  Maybe we'll do something completely obnoxious on this day every year so that it becomes a good day.  Maybe a "winter solstice celebration by having brownies for dinner" or something.  So I'll be a day late this year.  They won't notice.  And brownie covered toddler faces make for great pictures.

Friday, December 19, 2014

Pictures to remember

Just depositing a few things here that I want to remember about recent weeks.

We set up the Christmas tree.  The girls weren't at all interested in the tree but enjoyed the garlands.  They played balance beam, pull the sister, and sparkly necklace with them.


Snuggles with Daddy.


Climb Mount Mommy!


We attempted Christmas portraits again this year.  It did not go smoothly.  We should have had Benny Hill music running the whole time.  Middie Biddie just totally wasn't into the whole picture thing so we have several of Teeny Tiny that are actually really cute, but very few where Middie Biddie is presentable.  A sampling of the cute, some because of smiles and some because of humor (credit and thanks as always to my wonderful photographer friend Sarah at Triskele Photo) -

 IMG_8737   IMG_8918  IMG_8660   IMG_8715

Finally got Middie Biddie to smile, but also got her awkward and flashing
 IMG_8731  IMG_8729

A couple of family shots where we almost kinda had everyone smiling and looking comfortable.



Screw it, we're not meant for formal portraits.  The winning family portrait of 2014 is......


Happy Holidays everyone!

A bedtime I want to remember

Bedtime usually isn't the nightmare for us that I hear about in other households.  Generally we tell the girls it's time for night night and they grab their bears and head into their room.  Then they run around their room a little bit playing with each other while I sing the night night song and it's into cribs with very little fuss or muss. Then we hear them chatter away, sometimes singing little songs, sometimes light giggles, sometimes they're jumping in their cribs laughing hysterically for quite a while before they actually go to sleep. Benefit of twins I guess.  When every night is a slumber party with your best friend, it ain't so bad being put to bed.

But what it hasn't been for a while is a chance to snuggle.  Once they started firmly and confidently walking, they've wanted to run around their bedroom in that one short window they get to be in there*.  Bedtime became a fun time rather than a quiet time.  Sometimes this is awesome, it's lead to some of the biggest laughter in our household, but I still miss the quiet snuggles.

Tonight, I got my snuggles.  Not sure why and I don't care.  But after I got them into sleep sacks, Teeny Tiny wanted to lay on my chest on her back like she used to while we rocked, and I held out an arm for Middie Biddie and she came running into it so I could scoop her up and she could lay on my other side.  I had no idea if they would let me get through the whole song before sliding off my lap to start running around, but they did.  And then they both just stayed there while we rocked.  Middie Biddie sometimes half closing her eyes.  We rocked for a while before I finally said it was time to go night night and put them in their cribs.

Don't know how the rest of the night is going to go.  I'm hearing some singing at the moment.  Might get an explosion of tears later, might turn into a party, might just quietly fade out until asleep over the next hour.  Don't care.  I got good snuggles and all I had to do to get them was be available to receive them.  The very best kind.

*They only sleep in their bedroom and the door is closed all the time.  There are 2 reasons for this-

1)  I want that room to be associated with sleep rather than play to make it easier later.  That's what I want even if that's not what's been happening lately.  If there are toys in there and they are allowed to use that room as a playroom during the day, I don't know how they'll ever get to sleep.

2)  It's the last room in the house with carpet and we kept that door closed the entire time we've lived here to keep the cats out.  It's the only room in this house that hasn't been peed in by cats and I'm determined to keep it untainted.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

How did I do?

We're coming up on the end of 2014 and I think it's time to look at what I resolved to do this year and see how I did.  Let's go down the list.

1)  Spend less time on the computer

Um, oops.  This didn't happen.

2)  Take the baby gates down

We opened up the house a whole lot more this year.  We have a few specific areas still blocked off.  One is because K has a project set up that requires hands off, one is because that's where the Christmas tree is going to go (eventually) and then the diaper changing area.  Two of those areas will be open immediately after Christmas and as soon as the drawer locks I ordered arrive and we get them installed on the dresser and the diaper pail, that gate will come down.  So I think once Christmas is over, the only space the girls won't have free access to will be the kitchen.  We got a learning tower so we will be able to bring them in there to "help" from time to time while still keeping them away from the stove and such.  I'm going to call this one accomplished.

3)  Get the girls out of the house

Well, I said once a week, and I'm pretty sure we've accomplished that.  They love the play area/daycare at the grocery store so they are at least getting there once a week even if we don't manage to get elsewhere.  So, yes, once a week, but I think we need to make next years goal 2-3 times a week.

4)  Teach rather than do

Still not very good at this one.  Better than I was a year ago, but still need improvement.

5) and 6) Work harder at pottery / do craft fairs 

This was in fits and spurts this year.  But I did get some good things accomplished.  I set up an Etsy shop, got a wholesale order, and did a craft fair.

7)  Get a part time job before next Christmas

Mission accomplished!  I started a new part time job about 3 months ago that is flexible and works around my husbands schedule.  We are currently figuring out some work from home tasks so I can get a few more hours a week.

8) Spend an hour improving the house every day

I'm going to say I did that about every other day.

9) Spend more time with K 

Still working on this.  We just put in a renewed effort to put down our phones when we're together.  Unfortunately, it's still an effort.

10) Put a book together

Nope.  Didn't happen.  Didn't even begin to happen.

All in all, I think I did pretty good!  The fact that some of these resolutions are still on my mind and I'm still making an effort a year later, I think that's a win.  More to work on obviously, but New Years is coming and we'll see what we can do to get even better.