This time of year is cursed. It just is. It's like the purge where if you get through these couple of days intact, you get to survive another year.
My cousin just informed via facebook that they have lost their pregnancy. A colleague is suffering through the day that is not only the 4 month anniversary of her sons passing via SIDS, but it is also the day that marks that he has now been gone just as long as he was here on earth.
And of course, it's my 4 year anniversary. I didn't actually notice that as the 21st and 22nd passed. I was reminded when I saw my cousins facebook post and went "oh wow, I can't believe it's the same time of year as ....oh wait, did I already pass the anniversary? Holy crap, how did I not notice that?"
I've been irritable the last few days. Restless, just feeling unsatisfied in general. I thought it was a hormonal thing since I'm having my period and as someone who never really had those before, I get hit pretty hard emotionally by the hormones when I do. Maybe I was being depressed because it's the anniversary even though I didn't consciously remember that it is.
So now I'm going to have a good cry. Let the guilt of forgetting smack me around a little bit and give some focus to the depression I've had the last few days. Then I'll pick myself back up, tell myself I shouldn't feel guilty about forgetting since no one is hurt by my forgetting.
Then I'll probably do something to spoil the girls and celebrate those I lost by spoiling the ones I didn't. Maybe we'll do something completely obnoxious on this day every year so that it becomes a good day. Maybe a "winter solstice celebration by having brownies for dinner" or something. So I'll be a day late this year. They won't notice. And brownie covered toddler faces make for great pictures.