Nowadays, it seems like I just want to jot down a few cute things that happened during the day. But I'm also in a bit of a funk. I'm feeling pretty down on myself lately. Like I'm not doing enough with the girls, I feel like my pottery sucks and I can't figure out how to market it, a lot of my experiments end up looking like crap, and let's not even talk about whether or not I'm employable. Yeah, it's one of those funks that I can't figure out how to get out of but it's not so serious that I need to get a bunch of swimming thoughts out either. It could be that we haven't really had a chance to get out and do much because the girls have been sick on and off for months. They'll get a cold, they'll get most of the way over it so I'll schedule playdates and stuff, and then it cycles around again and I end up having to cancel so we don't spread the plague to other households. That and the fact that Middie Biddie now gets car sick if we go anywhere more than 10 minutes from home, my world is pretty small and boring at the moment.
Oh well, that's where I am right now. For lack of anything deeper to think about, I'm pondering the question of whether or not to try for a third baby. I feel like I missed out on the whole baby thing because I was so miserable and never got to just enjoy a quiet moment bonding with a baby because there was always a second one ensuring there were no quiet moments.
I've never been a baby person, to me the baby stage is kind of like pregnancy - something you have to get through in order to eventually have a kid. They told me it would be different with my own, but then I had 2 at a time, PPD, PTSD, and wow, still didn't like the baby thing. A couple of days ago, I was at a Moms of Multiples meeting and a new mom brought her 5 month old boys. It was a really small group (just her and I for a while actually) so I offered to be a second pair of hands and to try to take care of whichever baby she wasn't tending to at the moment. They were adorable little cherubs, perfect rolly polly goobers.
I finally had a chance to hold a baby without having to worry about the other one! Ya know what? I still don't like babies. Yup, I just don't. It's constant spitting up, rarely a moment of contentment that doesn't immediately turn into unhappiness, and everything around you is wet. I don't even know exactly how everything gets wet, it's just the law of babies I guess. If there's a baby, everything you touch is going to be wet.
We're thinking about using our last four embryos in natural cycle transfers. I seem to actually have a cycle now and being so on the fence about having a third, that seems to be the closest thing to "leaving up to fate" that we could do. We have those opportunities and I can't bring myself not to use them, but holy crap we do not want to go through all the rigmarole again, especially when we aren't desperate for a child like we were before.
Anyway, that's the closest thing I'm having to thinky thoughts lately. And now on to random bits and pieces about what my kids are doing, besides sneezing out massive snot explosions that is.
The other day after their nap, I wasn't in the mood to set them up in their table and do the whole big meal thing for lunch. I also needed to eat so I made up a couple of pb&js and figured I'd let the girls loose in the playroom and just eat myself. They inevitably want bites of whatever we're eating so I knew they'd be eating about half of whatever I had. I was planning on just giving them bites as they played. So I ate half a sandwich (to make sure I got some!) and then got Middie Biddie up from her nap. Got her diaper changed and let her loose. When I came back from the nursery with Teeny Tiny, I see Middie Biddie running into the second playroom with a sandwich squashed in her hand and jelly all over her face! I thought I had set the plate far enough back on the desk that she wouldn't be able to reach it but I was wrong! By the time I got Teeny Tiny changed and set free, there was nothing left of that sandwich except for two small bits on the floor. I can't believe she scarfed that whole thing down! Either that or I'm going to find a chunk of sandwich rotting in some corner in a few weeks (I've searched so hopefully not). Fortunately there was still another half sandwich so Teeny Tiny got her lunch too.
She's also getting really good at feeding herself with her spork. Still pushing some items off the plate, but overall she'll get a meal eaten and I don't have to help her much.
The other big thing right now going outside to blow bubbles. Bubbles are a big hit. Today was the first day it was nice enough to actually go beyond the deck so I took them into the cul-de-sac and braced myself to chase toddlers running in opposite directions. One of the good things about this neighborhood, it's enclosed so no traffic, and my neighbors like my kids. I generally only take the girls outside if the neighbors are home because most of time at least one of them will come out and chat and they'll help keep the kiddos from running off. They'll also help me get them both back inside when the time comes. The girls did pretty good. Neither of them really tried to get into anything that I had to prevent them from getting into. They mostly just wanted to catch bubbles and run around in circles. No trying to run off to peoples back yards or anything. Putting on shoes used to make them cry, but now they get excited to put them on because it means we're going to blow bubbles!
She also has a love/hate relationship with her xylophone. It's her favorite toy, but it also pisses her off so she'll go from happily pounding on it to crying and frustrated and then back to playing. Take it away from her, whether she's happy with it or pissed off at it and she goes into a tantrum.
So, that's pretty much it. I'm in a funk feeling like I suck at life, the girls are at a stage where there aren't new milestones every day but they are getting better, cuter, and funnier with the things they can do.