My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Friday, March 21, 2014

I still can't believe this is my life

Days like today are a shock to this bitter infertile's system.  I still can not believe I get to live like this now.  We're coming up on 2 years that I've been a mom and I still feel like it can't possibly be happening.  I actually get to have days like this!  I'm not just pretending, this is actually happening!  This is actually my life now!  I'm trying to put into words how it just seems surreal to me that only 3 years ago I was so desperate, so miserable, so afraid, so without hope and yet here I am, having days like today.

K got the girls up while I took a shower.  He gave them a small breakfast and then we packed them up for a big breakfast out.  The girls played with crayons at the table and dropped plenty of their food on the floor (we tip well).  We took a couple of walkabouts when the girls got antsy and needed to move, they each had a drum solo or two with their spoons when they were finished eating.  One needed a diaper change and K had to bring her back to me because there was no changing table in the mens room.  I take one in, do a diaper change, swap kids, do another change, and we head out while all the old people grinned and waved at our tiny twosome.

We finally had a nice sunny day here in the Pacific Northwest.  It's been warm enough that not everything was still waterlogged which totally negates the benefits of a nice sunny day.  We went to a park that's fully enclosed with a fence and we were the only ones there, so we were able to sit and let the girls roam without needing to do the helicopter parenting thing.

I'm trying to learn to let them figure things out themselves and to allow them to get a few bumps and bruises.  Part of our trip to the park was to practice that.  To sit on a bench and do nothing more than take pictures while the girls figured out what they wanted to do on their own.  Teeny Tiny went for the toys in the sandbox while Middie Biddie went exploring at top speed.  Letting them find their way without clearing the path is really hard for me, but I'm trying to get better at it.

Eventually we decided to introduce them to some toys that they couldn't get into without us like a rocking car.

We spent a good portion of our play time on the swings of course.

This is my life right now.  It's not just me, alone.  I'm one of four.

After the park and nap (Teeny Tiny slept, Middie Biddie chatted to her bear the whole time), they were in such a great mood!  We need to dose them with sunshine more often.  Middie Biddie just wanted to chat and laugh all evening.  She told me all her secrets, sometimes whispering them to me, just thrilled that I was listening.  I can't wait until those secrets are in English so I can understand them!

After plenty of play, stories, and secret sharing, we all had a nice dinner and we put the girls to bed.  As we hear Middie Biddie repeat "nigh nigh!!" over and over again (as in it's night night time), we close the door to their room and I'm so happy I just want to cry.  The "nigh nigh" fades out and they are both asleep with no fuss within minutes.

This is my life!  It's so simple, but it's so beautiful.  This is greatness.  My bipolar high school self can not believe I have achieved contentment.  My bitter infertile self can not believe I have achieved motherhood.  My self hating self can not believe I've achieved a happy marriage with someone who chose me and loves me.  I almost feel like I have whiplash from how dramatically my life has twisted and turned in the last 5 years.  Today was roses, so I'm here on my blog recording the smell.

1 comment:

  1. I feel like I'm in the same place - I also can hardly believe sometimes that I'm one of four instead of alone on my own, having gotten married at 35. That was a lot of time alone and I mostly believed it would be that way for my lifetime. I'm amazed that I get to share my life with 3 boys. Now my biggest anxiety is about screwing up this parenting thing. I love reading about your experiences with twin girls just a bit older than my twin boys. It's a lot of learning on the run, isn't it!


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