This blog might continue

This blog was started for a couple of reasons.  The catalyst was that I had a negative experience related to my pregnancy (a weird emotional reaction after sex) and I couldn't find anyone else talking about the same thing.  I not only wanted to document my pregnancy for myself, but I also wanted to write about all of those weird things that no one else talks about so that someone else going through the same thing might find it and be comforted at not being alone.

And while I haven't looked, I suspect that if I were to google for someone elses account of a miscarriage, I probably would not find a first hand account of what someone is going through.  I'd probably find all of those stupid "how to deal with grief" advice pages that seem so insipid when you're actually going through it.

I'm having thoughts and feelings that are stupid, and petty, and illogical, and fixating on small details that don't matter.  So far, nothing good has been able to come from this.  My girls were too far along to be donated for stem cell research, not far enough along to create chord blood that might be donated to save someone elses life, and there was no means of using my situation for research to help further protect someone else from going through this.

So the only positive thing that I can offer the world on behalf of my girls is to describe what I'm going through so that someone else who is having these stupid, petty, horrible thoughts can honestly know, from first hand experience, that someone else really has been there.

In the long run, we are hoping that this will become a chapter of a larger story.  That someone going through this pain will find this blog a couple of years from now and read this chapter, and then be able to read a few chapters down the road about babies first steps, and spitting up their first taste of banana.

And I'm hoping that writing will be therapeutic for me.  Maybe if I spread the horrible information around, it will lighten my own load.

I don't expect anyone to follow this blog.  I expect that my friends who have been reading so far and experiencing the pregnancy with me will unfollow at this point and I'm perfectly ok with that.  I'm not writing to make other people read it, I'm writing it to get it out of my own head.

We have some counseling appointments coming up next week and I might be advised not to write this.  I'll probably take the advice that I'm given so this post might become completely moot, I don't know yet.

If I do continue, the next posts are likely going to be detailed, graphic, gory.  Step by step explanations of the physical sensations that I went through in horrible, gruesome detail.  As I said, I don't expect anyone to want to read it.  Over the course of dealing with this, I might reveal myself to be a disgusting, horrible, petty, obsessive individual as I recount every thought that crosses my mind.  This might just be a means of wallowing in my own obsession.  Again, I don't know yet.

But if putting myself out there, in all my petty and horrible glory will make someone else feel ok about the stupid and ridiculous thoughts they are having, it's worth whatever backlash I might receive.

The End

I'll try not go into horrific and gory detail while still briefly recounting the last 48 hours.

Around 10pm on Tuesday (Dec 21st) I started feeling what I thought was bad gas.  It gradually got worse and by 11:30pm there were other indications that I needed to go to the emergency room.  We got there around midnight and by then I was having contractions every 5 minutes or so.

We were able to stop the contractions within about an hour, they put me in a bed that held me tilted back.  For a couple of hours we discussed how I might be on bedrest for the next 20 weeks.

That is, until my water broke anyway.

Over the course of the next 3 hours, 3 different specialists came to the conclusion that the inevitable had begun and there are no procedures in existence that could save either baby.  We had thought all along that these were fraternal twins but during this time, we learned that they were in fact identical twins sharing the same placenta.

They had fallen victim to an infection of some sort that's undetectable until after it's too late.

The options were to do nothing and hope that the second baby could be saved.  But the doctors agreed that the baby was going to die and if we did nothing, all three of us would eventually die together.

The next option was to induce labor in order to expel them somewhat naturally, drastically increasing the chances that I would either endure a hysterectomy after birthing, or simply die on the table with the babies.

The third option was to surgically remove the babies and all other baby related material so that I could survive and still have a possibility of another pregnancy.

I will probably never be convinced that I would not have preferred option 1 but we went with option three.  I was in surgery by 1pm on Dec 22nd and recovering by 3pm.

Upon further investigation after the fact, it was confirmed that both babies were indeed infected and nothing could have saved either one.  Their gestational age was 18weeks 6days.

This blog will remain in tact for a short time so I can just give friends and family the link and not have to explain it again.  After that time, I will archive this blog and then take it offline.

What this is about

Welcome to First Time Twins!

I started writing this blog when I was 9 weeks pregnant for the first time, with twins.  And I was terrified.  Unfortunately, my fears were founded and at 18weeks and 6days, I lost my girls.  I don't have a lot of details yet about what happened, but it was an infection that lead to PPROM.  I've opted to continue blogging my journey to become a parent, even though it's not going well right now.

Despite the setback I'm experiencing at the moment, I still believe there's a Chris and Charley in my future and I'm writing, in great length and detail, about my attempts to bring them into my home.


But for now, here's the basic introduction.
Hi!  I'm Alex, age 35, and I'll be the mama around here.  I am a videographer by career and potter by hobby.  My video life is known as MegaMouth Productions and I make a lot of those advertisement videos you see on web pages.  In my pottery life, I'm known as UgaBugaBowls and I make functional and beautiful wheel thrown mugs, bowls, and other round things.  Feel free to stop by that shop if you're looking for a gift for someone.  It's all unique and with twins coming, I could really use some more customers!

K, age 41, is my husband of 5 1/2 years and will be playing the role of daddy which is pretty good casting considering that's who he actually is.  In his day job, he's a retail manager for a large chain pet store.  I'll refer to it as Pet Place for privacy reasons.  By night, he turns into the super hero, Comic Actor Man!  He's had some fame in regional commercials and acts on a regular basis in local theaters. 

We are pragmatic, down to earth, and a bit boring.  A good time for us would be a great exchange of wit, and we tend to be sci-fi watching homebodies.  There will be geekery in this blog as well.

Some other pertinent characters -

The Girls - Chris and Charley (Christina and Charolotte).  They aren't with us anymore, but I'm hoping they'll be back in one form or another.  They are my kids and I guess the first pair of bodies they were trying on weren't to their liking so they are out there waiting for us to try to create something more suitable to their lives.  If we can't provide those bodies, we may try to find them via adoption or fostering.

PR, DR, and AR.  They were my best friend family until the Mama Drama post happened.  I thought they were going to be major players in this blog, but oh well!  PR was my best friend for 4 years, a sister really, and then she flipped a bitch switch that really threw me for a loop.

Various cats and extended family members will be introduced as needed.



So here we go with the blogging experience.  Just to warn you, I have no boundaries. I will talk about sex, bodily functions, emotional freak-outs, and whatever else comes to mind.

I'm hoping that there will be a lot of comments, even if an article is several years old.  There is no topic too personal that I won't answer you fully if you ask me something.  And if you have some knowledge about a written topic and I'm too far along to benefit from your knowledge or advice, I'm sure someone else will benefit from it so please write it!