I'm finally committing to weaning off the pump. For the last 2 months I've been waffling on the subject. I hate pumpin, but I get upset when I think about running out of breast milk, so even though I say I'm going to go 5 hours between pumps, I seem to hook myself up between 3-4 hours anyway. I think I've been keeping myself at 4-5 pumps a day because in the back of my mind, I felt like if I really wanted to push my supply back up, I probably could, but dropping down to 3 pumps per day is where my supply will tank beyond the point of no return.
But we've already passed so many of our original goals. At first, I just wanted to have enough give some to both of them. Once that was established, I thought it would be awesome if their first 6 weeks was nothing but breast milk. Ok, we passed that so I figured 3 months, then until they start solids, and now it's a year. Ya know what? They won't die if they have a little bit of formula. I don't have to be all or nothing (I keep telling myself that because by nature I'm an all or nothing kind of person). Yes, if I pumped my ass off, I probably could supply a full breast milk diet for twins for an entire year. No, I don't want to spend my entire first year of parenting sitting at my desk with a machine pulling on my boobs while the girls are stuck playing by themselves.
It's time. Those 4-5 times a day has had diminishing returns with my supply slowly dropping by a couple of ounces per week. Screw it! I'll pump when I wake up in the morning, once in the middle of the day, and then before bed at night. Going about 8 hours in between pumps means I will probably never be in an "oh crap, I need to pump soon!" panic again! For a week or two, those three pumps should give me approximately the same daily yield but with a lot less work, and then I'll see my daily output drop.
In recent weeks, I've barely been keeping up with their appetite, occasionally thawing a bag here and there from our stash. Seeing my supply drop a little bit below their needs, we've cracked open a can of formula to make sure they will drink it in case I dry up and we finish off our freezer stash before the year is up. They don't like it on its own, but if I do a bottle of half breast milk, half formula, they take it just fine. So I've been mixing up 4-6oz of formula a day and sneaking that into their bottles to reduce the amount of milk I need to thaw.
Now that I'm committing to only pumping 3 times a day, I'm sure my supply is about to completely tank and I'll only be producing about half of what they need every day. But that's fine. Between a few ounces of formula and thawing out a bag every day or two, we should be able to give them some breast milk every day until their first birthday. We'll probably have enough that it will still be a good 75% of their liquid diet until it's time to move on to cows milk. Perfect? No. But pretty damned good.
So the plan is to be at 3 pumps per day for about a month, then drop to 2 for about 2 weeks, and then one, and return the pump I'm renting when the girls turn 10 months. After that, we mix our frozen stash with formula and see how long it lasts.
I'm trying to be ok with this. I'll be a better mommy when I can spend more time with the girls without worrying about my damned boobs. But for the last year and a half, what I do with my body has a direct relation to the girls. I'm still taking prenatal vitamins, I'll be able to stop those. If I need anything medically, I won't have to give the doctor the caveat that I'm either pregnant or breastfeeding. My body just becomes me again instead of being me and the girls.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Discombobulating again
 |
| The Middie Biddie |
 |
| The Teeny Tiny |
As everyone tells you, just when you get it figured out, the kids switch up the rules again. I think they're going through a growth/development spurt. So far, they've been really consistent with being awake for 90 minutes, hitting a wall where they suddenly become crabby or drowsy, then they go down for a nap that lasts 45-60 minutes. Seriously, we notice the tired cues, say "how long have they been up?", look at our app for that and see that it's exactly 90 minutes.
Well, Sunday I took them out for a family breakfast and they stayed up for about 2 1/2 hours. I figured they might take a long nap to compensate and then back on our regular schedule. But they napped for a full 2 1/2 hours! Not what I was expecting. And that was their only nap of the day.
Yesterday, I set them down for their afternoon nap and they never went to sleep. They were showing all the tired cues, they should have fallen asleep, but they just never did. They kind of hung out together in their crib for about 45 minutes and got fussy. I tried to soothe them hoping to still get a nap out of them but after another 45 minutes, we gave up. So they were up from 1pm until about 7:30pm. Everything just seems a bit out of whack lately and they're going through some sort of changes.
Our baby clothing drawer at the diaper changing station is now stuffed. We still have our favorite 3 month sized stuff on the left for The Teeny Tiny, size 3-6 month in the middle for both of them, and size 6 month on the right for The Middie Biddie. We're going through the last of our size 2 diapers, and then I think we'll be onto size 3 for both of them. Better to have them be too big than too small. I'm looking forward to Teeny Tiny matching her sisters clothing size again so we can just keep one pile in there for them to share.
They've been showing off new mannerisms and stuff for the last few days too. The Teeny Tiny can officially roll over from back to front (stealing her sisters wubba during sleep times has been a great motivator for learning this skill). Middie Biddie has started some new facial expressions, like cocking her head to the side with a coy little grin. She's also mastered the backwards scoot. Both are started to rock on their hands and knees so as I said in an earlier post, crawling is imminent.
We took them to the pediatrician last week for a check in. They needed some shots at 8 months and I requested a few minutes to discuss a few things with the doctor. They are just still so little. At 8 months, just now growing out of 3 month sized clothing! They only drink about 18oz of milk every day along with their solid foods and everyone elses kids seem to drink more like 24-30oz. They also aren't really sitting up and playing independently yet, they really prefer standing in their exersaucers, and I'm seeing other kids who are their adjusted age sitting up and playing with toys for a good amount of time and being fairly mobile. The doctor said everything is great, they are right where they should be developmentally, their growth chart line is still tracking the way it's supposed to, the amount of milk is just fine, and the diet of solids we're giving them is right on the money of what we're supposed to be doing. Okey dokey!
We're almost done with the floor in my office/soon to be playroom. We have one more board to cut and snap into place, and a few pieces of molding to put in and we'll be finished. Then it's just moving the furniture in, and littering the floor with all sorts of toys!
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Learned helplessness
If I were ever to go on Survivor, I'm pretty sure I would be the first one voted off. While I'm actually a very capable woman, I doubt myself to the point that I hang back on any project and allow others to dictate how I can help or what I should do. Even though I can see what needs to be done and how to do it, I just have so much doubt that I wait for instruction.
I wasn't raised helping out with things. I often heard "your father will take care of it" or "let your dad do it". Anything that required a tool and my mother was afraid I'd hurt myself. I was told that I was capable and could do anything, but actions speak louder than words, so I got this really mixed message.
In gym class, I learned that if I hang back and let the better players keep the ball, I wouldn't disappoint everyone by missing the goal/basket/whatever. And it was really important to me not to disappoint people. I'm so afraid of doing something wrong that I often end up not doing anything at all.
In offices, I could see easier ways of doing things, but I would always assume that things were done the way they were done for a reason that I just wasn't aware of yet. A lot of people would think I was copping an attitude because I would ask "Is there a reason we're doing things this way instead of that way?" It comes across as such a smartass question, but that's not how I mean it. I honestly assume that others know something that I don't know so I'm asking what that something is.
Then I went to university and studied theater tech. I learned that most people don't have any secrets that I don't have, they just muddle through as best they can until they eventually get to the result. I keep relearning this lesson and I'm still surprised every time I relearn it. I learned that I was actually very capable. I could do construction just as well as the next person. I could see how things worked and figure them out.
This turned a lot of things around for me. I became less scared of everything. If something was wrong in my apartment, I had the confidence that I could fix it (unless it was electrical, you don't fuck with electrical things).
In recent years, I've backslid into my old scared self. K is wonderful in that he'll just do things for me and kind of allow me to be helpless. When there's a project to be done, I'm always afraid of not being aware of one vital piece of information that will screw up the whole thing so I have to google the hell out of everything and end up in an over-informed tizzy still not sure of how to get started.
I've been trying to figure out the flooring in our house for a while now. In my google tizzy, I've learned about underlay and why it's needed. Learning about that just freaked me out that there might be something else like that to be considered that I might not know about, so I went on endless searches to find any potential missing pieces of information until we finally bit the bullet and got started.
It's been years since I've handled proper power tools and I've gone back to my nervous self about them even though I actually know how to use them. I made K show me the chop saw again even though in university it was my favorite tool. I realized how ridiculous this all is. I let him take the lead on this project, just like I always do, and kind of sat back doing the minimum required to be helpful with as least amount of risk at making a mistake as I could get away with.
Today, I decided it was time to get out of this pattern. I met K after university so while he knows intellectually that I'm capable, I don't think he's ever really witnessed it. So today, while he was at work with no opportunity to watch me make any potential mistakes, I took over the flooring project and got a significant amount of it done while the girls played in their exersaucers.
Sometimes I just need to prove to myself (and K) that I'm not helpless. I really can do this stuff. I gotta remember to demonstrate that more often not only for my own good, but so the girls aren't so afraid to do things like I tend to be. I don't want them to be afraid of mistakes the way that I am. Making a mistake means you're trying to further your own abilities, and that's always a good thing.
I wasn't raised helping out with things. I often heard "your father will take care of it" or "let your dad do it". Anything that required a tool and my mother was afraid I'd hurt myself. I was told that I was capable and could do anything, but actions speak louder than words, so I got this really mixed message.
In gym class, I learned that if I hang back and let the better players keep the ball, I wouldn't disappoint everyone by missing the goal/basket/whatever. And it was really important to me not to disappoint people. I'm so afraid of doing something wrong that I often end up not doing anything at all.
In offices, I could see easier ways of doing things, but I would always assume that things were done the way they were done for a reason that I just wasn't aware of yet. A lot of people would think I was copping an attitude because I would ask "Is there a reason we're doing things this way instead of that way?" It comes across as such a smartass question, but that's not how I mean it. I honestly assume that others know something that I don't know so I'm asking what that something is.
Then I went to university and studied theater tech. I learned that most people don't have any secrets that I don't have, they just muddle through as best they can until they eventually get to the result. I keep relearning this lesson and I'm still surprised every time I relearn it. I learned that I was actually very capable. I could do construction just as well as the next person. I could see how things worked and figure them out.
This turned a lot of things around for me. I became less scared of everything. If something was wrong in my apartment, I had the confidence that I could fix it (unless it was electrical, you don't fuck with electrical things).
In recent years, I've backslid into my old scared self. K is wonderful in that he'll just do things for me and kind of allow me to be helpless. When there's a project to be done, I'm always afraid of not being aware of one vital piece of information that will screw up the whole thing so I have to google the hell out of everything and end up in an over-informed tizzy still not sure of how to get started.
I've been trying to figure out the flooring in our house for a while now. In my google tizzy, I've learned about underlay and why it's needed. Learning about that just freaked me out that there might be something else like that to be considered that I might not know about, so I went on endless searches to find any potential missing pieces of information until we finally bit the bullet and got started.
It's been years since I've handled proper power tools and I've gone back to my nervous self about them even though I actually know how to use them. I made K show me the chop saw again even though in university it was my favorite tool. I realized how ridiculous this all is. I let him take the lead on this project, just like I always do, and kind of sat back doing the minimum required to be helpful with as least amount of risk at making a mistake as I could get away with.Today, I decided it was time to get out of this pattern. I met K after university so while he knows intellectually that I'm capable, I don't think he's ever really witnessed it. So today, while he was at work with no opportunity to watch me make any potential mistakes, I took over the flooring project and got a significant amount of it done while the girls played in their exersaucers.
Sometimes I just need to prove to myself (and K) that I'm not helpless. I really can do this stuff. I gotta remember to demonstrate that more often not only for my own good, but so the girls aren't so afraid to do things like I tend to be. I don't want them to be afraid of mistakes the way that I am. Making a mistake means you're trying to further your own abilities, and that's always a good thing.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Occupation: Mom
A few days ago, I finally used the massage gift certificate that K got me for Christmas. Have I mentioned that he's awesome? Consider it mentioned.
On the forms you fill out, it asks for your occupation. I filled in "mom".
We've started putting in the new flooring in my office. In so doing, we've decided to move my desk to the corner (right now it kind of sticks out in the middle) so that the room can become mostly a playroom for the girls. With my desk in the corner, it will be easy to tuck computer cables away and out of baby hands. We're probably going to move the love seat that currently serves no purpose into this room as well so the girls have a piece of furniture to hold on to for climbing up and walking practice.
One of the drawbacks of doing this is that it will reduce my home office deduction on my taxes. My office currently takes up about 20% of the square footage of the house. As a result, 20% of our utilities and stuff are tax deductible. Well, when this room becomes a playroom, that means only the floor space of my desk and chair can be considered "work space" and it drops to about 5%.
It's time to face facts, I'm a mom. I do video gigs here and there for pocket change, but my occupation is officially Mom.
On the forms you fill out, it asks for your occupation. I filled in "mom".
We've started putting in the new flooring in my office. In so doing, we've decided to move my desk to the corner (right now it kind of sticks out in the middle) so that the room can become mostly a playroom for the girls. With my desk in the corner, it will be easy to tuck computer cables away and out of baby hands. We're probably going to move the love seat that currently serves no purpose into this room as well so the girls have a piece of furniture to hold on to for climbing up and walking practice.
One of the drawbacks of doing this is that it will reduce my home office deduction on my taxes. My office currently takes up about 20% of the square footage of the house. As a result, 20% of our utilities and stuff are tax deductible. Well, when this room becomes a playroom, that means only the floor space of my desk and chair can be considered "work space" and it drops to about 5%.It's time to face facts, I'm a mom. I do video gigs here and there for pocket change, but my occupation is officially Mom.
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