We're still having a few problems at night, but we might have figured a few things out.
The girls are usually in a bassinet in the living room all day. We tend to have the tv on, either on news or some sci-fi something. So it occurred to me, they are used to a combination of white noise and dialogue! The other night, we turned on the white noise machine AND put a radio quietly on a talk radio station all night and we had a pretty good night. They woke up every 3 hours or so for feedings and diaper changes and generally went back to sleep fairly quickly. WOOT!!!
We talked to a nurse about whether or not there was a safe way to let babies sleep on their tummies. Apparently not. Medical professionals are still adamantly opposed to that so we won't be trying that.
We are also trying to add a little stimulation into their daytime awake times hoping that will make them want to sleep longer at night. Of course, there's not a whole lot of stimulation to be had. While they are really 6 weeks old, their adjusted age developmentally is only a week. But we are starting to see a few developments.
Both girls are lifting their heads up high and holding them up to look around at the world. And I think they are starting to make eye contact and hold a gaze a little bit. Or maybe I'm imagining that because I so desperately crave some sort of interactive acknowledgement of my existence. Every once in a while, one of them will sleep for 5 solid hours, so I'm starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel. Sleeping through the night might actually happen before I completely lose my mind. Fingers crossed that it happens soon, but I'm not expecting it to. Their little faces are experimenting with smiles, but more as muscle twitches and not yet because they are responding to anything.
Christina had to get an ultrasound on her hips because she was in the frank breech position for so long. They are detecting some looseness in the sockets so we'll have some sort of follow-up about that. I don't really know any details. I'm not too worried about it though.
The doctors did remark at how strong her legs were and that makes me feel good. I still feel guilty that so much of my parenting is hands off because I'm tied to the pumping machine so often. K has to do most of the hands-on stuff because I'm not available. But they are growing fast and strong because I'm doing that so I'm trying to take solace in that fact.
I'm going to keep up the pumping as long as I can. I figure until at least 6 months, but it's rough. Living life in 3 hour increments, 30 minutes of which I'm stuck only being able to do whatever I can reach from a chair, it just sucks. Granted, sometimes I'm glad I can go hide and just play with facebook on my phone while K deals with screetching children, but mostly it's just annoying. And I am missing out on a lot of cuddle time because I have Madonna style cones on my boobs, and even when I don't, the boobs are often sore and it's hard to cuddle when holding your child hurts your chest.
One of my boobs keeps developing hard spots. They hurt. So far I've been able to forcefully massage them out while I pump so I haven't developed mastitis (yet), but they are not making this any easier. Each time one of these spots develops, it takes about 24 hours to fully work it out. Working it out means pressing REALLY hard on the spots while pumping, and sometimes even just leaning over a sink to hand express whatever I can get out of the blocked duct. The lumps hurt like a really deep bruise, so massaging/pressing them forcefully just hurts like hell. But it's better than not working them out. Kind of a lose-lose there.
Some of the ADD seems to have abated, I can concentrate a little bit now and I'm not getting distracted as easily. I'm starting to have moments where I feel like myself again. Just moments. K and I left the girls with the in-laws and had a date night last night. It felt really weird. It was like the old me and the new me were at odds and I was trying to figure out which one was real. I'm still not sure which version of me is going to come out of all this.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Thursday, July 19, 2012
The night shift
We're not having good nights around here.
Two nights ago, K did the sleep in the living room with the girls thing so I could sleep through the night. Last night, I intended to return the favor, and I really tried. But Charlotte decided that she hated the world from 10pm - 4am and would not shut up! Around 1am, I started crossing over from stressed out to really pissed off, and I had to put her down and wake up K. I'm afraid to say what briefly crossed my mind because everyone will go all red flag on me, but let's remember that thoughts are not actions, and I assure you, they never will be. That's why I put the baby down, and woke up K to help me, because I simply could not stand it calmly anymore.
Just as she FINALLY went to sleep at 4am, I sent K back to bed, I put my head on my pillow on the couch, and within 30 seconds Christina was ready for her bottle and diaper change. There was much screaming of the phrase "you have got to be fucking kidding me!"
And as she was finishing up around 5am, guess who decided that she was hungry again and woke up screaming. 6am, Christina is sleeping, and Charlotte is put down, but still griping from time to time like she's going to pitch a fit. Again, I'm ready to pull my hair out, so I tag in K to come sleep on the couch so I can sleep in the bedroom. And of course, the minute it was Daddy's turn to deal with whatever might come along, everyone decided that sleep was just fantastic and K didn't have to do anything.
I had to get up about 8am to pump and then take my parents to the airport. I was tempted to buy a plane ticket to New Zealand just so I could sleep on the ride there.
K and I have now both had a night of fragmented 7 hours of sleep in the last 2 days. I have to pump even when he's taking the girls or I wake up soaking wet and in a lot of pain so we don't really let me go more than 4-5 hours without waking me up for that. Last night I got about 2 hours of sleep and then took a 2 hour nap this afternoon.
By the way, my in-laws are in town. For all of you visiting new parents, it's not fucking cute to have someone constantly teasing, talking to the babies who are very calm during the day saying "I think your mommy is lying, you don't get fussy at all! I don't know what she's talking about!" Yes, I am telling the truth, yes I'm pissed off at the world right now from lack of sleep and hours of screaming, and since I can't rip out the child's hair, don't tempt me to rip out yours instead!
Random notes - we've gone out to restaurants for the last 2 nights and the girls have slept through both experiences with no fussing at all. I'm actually rather impressed by that!
Obligatory picture of the Pissy Missy's that are pissing me off during the 3 minutes they were both asleep at the same time. Sure, be cute, make me feel like shit for being frustrated.
Two nights ago, K did the sleep in the living room with the girls thing so I could sleep through the night. Last night, I intended to return the favor, and I really tried. But Charlotte decided that she hated the world from 10pm - 4am and would not shut up! Around 1am, I started crossing over from stressed out to really pissed off, and I had to put her down and wake up K. I'm afraid to say what briefly crossed my mind because everyone will go all red flag on me, but let's remember that thoughts are not actions, and I assure you, they never will be. That's why I put the baby down, and woke up K to help me, because I simply could not stand it calmly anymore.
Just as she FINALLY went to sleep at 4am, I sent K back to bed, I put my head on my pillow on the couch, and within 30 seconds Christina was ready for her bottle and diaper change. There was much screaming of the phrase "you have got to be fucking kidding me!"
And as she was finishing up around 5am, guess who decided that she was hungry again and woke up screaming. 6am, Christina is sleeping, and Charlotte is put down, but still griping from time to time like she's going to pitch a fit. Again, I'm ready to pull my hair out, so I tag in K to come sleep on the couch so I can sleep in the bedroom. And of course, the minute it was Daddy's turn to deal with whatever might come along, everyone decided that sleep was just fantastic and K didn't have to do anything.
I had to get up about 8am to pump and then take my parents to the airport. I was tempted to buy a plane ticket to New Zealand just so I could sleep on the ride there.
K and I have now both had a night of fragmented 7 hours of sleep in the last 2 days. I have to pump even when he's taking the girls or I wake up soaking wet and in a lot of pain so we don't really let me go more than 4-5 hours without waking me up for that. Last night I got about 2 hours of sleep and then took a 2 hour nap this afternoon.
By the way, my in-laws are in town. For all of you visiting new parents, it's not fucking cute to have someone constantly teasing, talking to the babies who are very calm during the day saying "I think your mommy is lying, you don't get fussy at all! I don't know what she's talking about!" Yes, I am telling the truth, yes I'm pissed off at the world right now from lack of sleep and hours of screaming, and since I can't rip out the child's hair, don't tempt me to rip out yours instead!
Random notes - we've gone out to restaurants for the last 2 nights and the girls have slept through both experiences with no fussing at all. I'm actually rather impressed by that!
Obligatory picture of the Pissy Missy's that are pissing me off during the 3 minutes they were both asleep at the same time. Sure, be cute, make me feel like shit for being frustrated.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Breastfeeding and not me
Before I get all the pro-breastfeeding lectures, let me start off by saying that I'm pumping and my girls diet is made up purely of breastmilk mixed with a touch of Neosure to increase the calorie content.
It's the actual feeding at the breast that I'm talking about. And I'm not doing it.
At first, it was an issue of the girls mouths just being too small and too weak to properly feed at the breast. Preemies and the complications that creates and all. But as time has gone on, I dunno, I'm just not doing it.
We did try. I got a couple of different sized nipple shields and I have nursed each successfully at least once with it. I even did a naked feeding at some point with one of them. But the whole thing was frustrating.
First, they just didn't want to do it. It's rather insulting to have your baby taste your breast, and then scream as they push it away and turn their head away from you.
Second, when we finally did succeed, we offered a bottle about 15 minutes after what appeared to be a very satisfied milk coma, and they would still take at least half, if not the full bottle. If they need that much to fill their tummies anyway, why waste our time and frustration nursing?
Third, it hurts more than the pump. At least for us it does. Maybe it's because they are still itty bitty mouths and they can pretty much only hang on the nipple rather than get a lot of breast in the mouth.
Fourth, freedom. I'm pretty darned tired, and I can't imagine how exhausted I would be if I had to be the only one to feed both girls. I don't really appreciate being tied to the pump every 3 hours either, but at least if I'm out and about and miss a pumping, the only one punished for it is me (and my boobs DO punish me if I neglect them).
At this point, my girls are 2 days past their due date. In theory, they are standard newborns rather than preemies and I very well could be beginning to breastfeed exclusively. But I'm not gonna. If we were stranded on a desert island, we've figured out nursing enough that my kids wouldn't starve, but since it's not necessary and none of us seem to enjoy it, I'm not going to do it unless a situation arises where I have to.
I did have lovely pictures in my head of that serene scene where everyone is smiling as the baby suckles. That's not the scene in my house. I can bond with my babies just fine holding a bottle instead of wincing at the pain in my boob. And I really don't care that "if you just do it, it gets better. You just have to get over the hump." No I don't. I don't have to do anything. The pumping and bottle feeding is working out pretty well for my family so we're not going to go through the pain of figuring out something different.
And if I'm ever out in public, feeding my girls, and some nosey old biddie gives me a judgmental "the breast is best!" I'm not going to quietly take it and shrink with shame. Nope. I'm going to ask that person as they think they're walking away "excuse me, but what exactly are you hoping I will do now that you've said that? Oh gee, I never knew that, I'll just whip out a boob right now! Thank goodness you told me that and changed our entire lives!"
And just a hint for those of you who are having trouble and do want to get over the hump. Give your baby about 10-20ml from a bottle, burp, and then take the baby to breast. Once that initial starvation feeling goes away, the baby will likely have the patience and desire to nurse successfully. That's what worked for us the few times we got nursing to work.
It's the actual feeding at the breast that I'm talking about. And I'm not doing it.
At first, it was an issue of the girls mouths just being too small and too weak to properly feed at the breast. Preemies and the complications that creates and all. But as time has gone on, I dunno, I'm just not doing it.
We did try. I got a couple of different sized nipple shields and I have nursed each successfully at least once with it. I even did a naked feeding at some point with one of them. But the whole thing was frustrating.
First, they just didn't want to do it. It's rather insulting to have your baby taste your breast, and then scream as they push it away and turn their head away from you.
Second, when we finally did succeed, we offered a bottle about 15 minutes after what appeared to be a very satisfied milk coma, and they would still take at least half, if not the full bottle. If they need that much to fill their tummies anyway, why waste our time and frustration nursing?
Third, it hurts more than the pump. At least for us it does. Maybe it's because they are still itty bitty mouths and they can pretty much only hang on the nipple rather than get a lot of breast in the mouth.
Fourth, freedom. I'm pretty darned tired, and I can't imagine how exhausted I would be if I had to be the only one to feed both girls. I don't really appreciate being tied to the pump every 3 hours either, but at least if I'm out and about and miss a pumping, the only one punished for it is me (and my boobs DO punish me if I neglect them).
At this point, my girls are 2 days past their due date. In theory, they are standard newborns rather than preemies and I very well could be beginning to breastfeed exclusively. But I'm not gonna. If we were stranded on a desert island, we've figured out nursing enough that my kids wouldn't starve, but since it's not necessary and none of us seem to enjoy it, I'm not going to do it unless a situation arises where I have to.
I did have lovely pictures in my head of that serene scene where everyone is smiling as the baby suckles. That's not the scene in my house. I can bond with my babies just fine holding a bottle instead of wincing at the pain in my boob. And I really don't care that "if you just do it, it gets better. You just have to get over the hump." No I don't. I don't have to do anything. The pumping and bottle feeding is working out pretty well for my family so we're not going to go through the pain of figuring out something different.
And if I'm ever out in public, feeding my girls, and some nosey old biddie gives me a judgmental "the breast is best!" I'm not going to quietly take it and shrink with shame. Nope. I'm going to ask that person as they think they're walking away "excuse me, but what exactly are you hoping I will do now that you've said that? Oh gee, I never knew that, I'll just whip out a boob right now! Thank goodness you told me that and changed our entire lives!"
And just a hint for those of you who are having trouble and do want to get over the hump. Give your baby about 10-20ml from a bottle, burp, and then take the baby to breast. Once that initial starvation feeling goes away, the baby will likely have the patience and desire to nurse successfully. That's what worked for us the few times we got nursing to work.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Today is a better day
Wow. Thanks so much everyone! I was really expecting radio silence after my post about being miserable, but I've gotten more support comments than I thought I had readers!
I called the doctor and he saw me late afternoon yesterday. Being the end of day on a Friday and not being a psychiatrist, there wasn't a whole lot he could do, but we talked a bit and came to the conclusion that in the short term, I need sleep. I didn't sleep much during the last couple of months of pregnancy, and I'm now a really light sleeper with every single baby nurfle waking me up. One little noise and I'm officially awake waiting for the "feed me" scream, even if it's another hour or two before it happens.
My years of bipolar disorder was triggered by life long sleep deprivation. I had sleep apnea really bad and went my entire life not getting deep sleep until I had surgery to correct it a few years ago. Once I had that surgery, I went off my depression meds (about a year later to try to get pregnant) and never needed to go back on them.
The doc gave me a prescription for a few nights worth of Seroquel which will apparently put me in a coma for 8-10 hours. I've been warned that when I take one, be prepared to be done for the night because I will soon be out cold. He also gave me the info for a therapist that specializes in this and instructions to make an appointment for early next week.
Honestly, I don't know what therapy will do for me. I tend to outsmart it to some degree. Yes, I have a really funky history with the infertility, losing a set of twin girls and now giving birth to a second set of twin girls. I mean come on, that's just weird. But even though I have a rough history, I just don't think there's a whole lot of therapy to be done. While I was going through all of that, I kept very in touch with my feelings, allowed myself to feel them, and I think I went through the grieving and stress processes pretty well. I'm just not sure what there's left to work through. But I'll give it a shot and see if there's help to be had going that route.
Even though K had to work today, he insisted that I sleep last night. He practically shoved an Ambien down my throat (because I can wake up with Ambien, we don't know about Seroquel), and he slept on the couch and kept the girls in the living room while I slept undisturbed the whole night. I felt like such an asshole doing that! He is feeling the stress and lack of sleep too. He's wrenched his back and has been in some pain the last couple of days which is a stress pain he hasn't felt in years. I just felt like it was so unfair for me to get a full nights sleep when he hasn't had one either, especially with him having to work the next morning. Why do I deserve to sleep and he doesn't? Add that to my "I feel so guilty" list. I'm not sure if we're still going to knock me out tonight as planned, we'll discuss it when he gets home from work. It's either a moot point now that I feel better, or we should go ahead and do it to give me more of a solid footing for the upcoming week.
Good lord what a difference a night makes. I woke up about 3am to pump and help hold a bottle in a babies face, but then I slept solidly until 9am when K woke me up so he could leave for work. I feel like a normal human being today.
I'm not saying I'm over it. And I'm not saying that I won't be a crying freaking mess an hour from now, but for the last 7 hours, I've been puttering around the house, actually in a decent mood. And today I think the babies are kinda cute instead of looking at them as little time bombs. Haven't cried today, yet.
I think K and I will figure out some way to make sure that each of us gets one solid night of sleep per week. The idea of sleeping when the babies sleep is all well and good, but in practice, if they make a noise that I'm capable of hearing, I'm just not sleeping. Babies don't sleep silently so if I'm going to really sleep, I can't be in the same room with them or with a monitor. I need to be out of earshot. It's a good thing I really trust K and his fathering skills.
I called the doctor and he saw me late afternoon yesterday. Being the end of day on a Friday and not being a psychiatrist, there wasn't a whole lot he could do, but we talked a bit and came to the conclusion that in the short term, I need sleep. I didn't sleep much during the last couple of months of pregnancy, and I'm now a really light sleeper with every single baby nurfle waking me up. One little noise and I'm officially awake waiting for the "feed me" scream, even if it's another hour or two before it happens.
My years of bipolar disorder was triggered by life long sleep deprivation. I had sleep apnea really bad and went my entire life not getting deep sleep until I had surgery to correct it a few years ago. Once I had that surgery, I went off my depression meds (about a year later to try to get pregnant) and never needed to go back on them.
The doc gave me a prescription for a few nights worth of Seroquel which will apparently put me in a coma for 8-10 hours. I've been warned that when I take one, be prepared to be done for the night because I will soon be out cold. He also gave me the info for a therapist that specializes in this and instructions to make an appointment for early next week.
Honestly, I don't know what therapy will do for me. I tend to outsmart it to some degree. Yes, I have a really funky history with the infertility, losing a set of twin girls and now giving birth to a second set of twin girls. I mean come on, that's just weird. But even though I have a rough history, I just don't think there's a whole lot of therapy to be done. While I was going through all of that, I kept very in touch with my feelings, allowed myself to feel them, and I think I went through the grieving and stress processes pretty well. I'm just not sure what there's left to work through. But I'll give it a shot and see if there's help to be had going that route.
Even though K had to work today, he insisted that I sleep last night. He practically shoved an Ambien down my throat (because I can wake up with Ambien, we don't know about Seroquel), and he slept on the couch and kept the girls in the living room while I slept undisturbed the whole night. I felt like such an asshole doing that! He is feeling the stress and lack of sleep too. He's wrenched his back and has been in some pain the last couple of days which is a stress pain he hasn't felt in years. I just felt like it was so unfair for me to get a full nights sleep when he hasn't had one either, especially with him having to work the next morning. Why do I deserve to sleep and he doesn't? Add that to my "I feel so guilty" list. I'm not sure if we're still going to knock me out tonight as planned, we'll discuss it when he gets home from work. It's either a moot point now that I feel better, or we should go ahead and do it to give me more of a solid footing for the upcoming week.
Good lord what a difference a night makes. I woke up about 3am to pump and help hold a bottle in a babies face, but then I slept solidly until 9am when K woke me up so he could leave for work. I feel like a normal human being today.
I'm not saying I'm over it. And I'm not saying that I won't be a crying freaking mess an hour from now, but for the last 7 hours, I've been puttering around the house, actually in a decent mood. And today I think the babies are kinda cute instead of looking at them as little time bombs. Haven't cried today, yet.
I think K and I will figure out some way to make sure that each of us gets one solid night of sleep per week. The idea of sleeping when the babies sleep is all well and good, but in practice, if they make a noise that I'm capable of hearing, I'm just not sleeping. Babies don't sleep silently so if I'm going to really sleep, I can't be in the same room with them or with a monitor. I need to be out of earshot. It's a good thing I really trust K and his fathering skills.
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