Mom hair

25 weeks today.  That's 6 weeks longer than I made it last time.

Today's achievement - I traded in long locks for Mom Hair.  My showers should be a whole lot shorter and I look like a real grown up now!

 

After

Before

Symptom Breakdown -

• I'm getting some skin tags under my arms.
• Feeling kicks.
• Because I'm sleeping on my side, I'm getting pimples behind my ears from having them smooshed against my head all night.
• 2 kids sitting on my bladder makes me feel like I have to go all the time.  Then I get there and discover I didn't really need to go.
• Where did these nipples come from?  My boobs are now half taken over by darkness and my nipples are trying to make a break for it all the time.
• I'm a really light sleeper now.  I'm waking up all the time to either go to the bathroom, or to flip over.  Changing positions is a major undertaking and sometimes leaves me out of breath.
• So far I'm 100% successful, but I'm starting to fear for my future ass wiping abilities as my stomach gets bigger and I become less agile.
• I could wear my wedding ring, but a ring a size larger is more comfortable.  My feet are swelling pretty regularly.
• I get full really fast.  I guess my stomach doesn't have much expanding room.  And I still never feel like I'm the right amount of full.  I feel like I have to either eat or poop all the time.
• Starting to have trouble getting a deep breath when reclined.

Apparently I'm not over it

So the last couple of days, I've been making an effort to enjoy pregnancy stuff.   I've been registering with abandon, and yes, I put some cute pink things on there.  I've been pretending to be confident about this whole thing.

Then last night, I had one spot of blood when I wiped.   Just a spot, fresh pink blood.  Probably from a small scratch or raw area in my crotch (though I'm not sure how I would get a scratch there), as the blood didn't have any other type of fluid mixed in, and it was brand new fresh.  Not the kind of blood that's been traveling through the vaginal canal at all.  Nope, probably just what you would dab off the spot where you got a shot.

I flipped my fucking lid.

I knew it was surface blood.  But I didn't care.  I've been building up a hormonal breakdown for some time and I just needed a catalyst.  This was it.  I did all sorts of crying about how I'm lonely because K is doing a play right now so he's not home in the evenings, and I'm bored because I'm not capable of doing a fucking thing but sit here all day, and I feel useless.

And of course, I felt like I was being punished for starting to gain some confidence.  For starting to plan instead of hope.  Like the universe just wanted to remind me that I've been all sorts of arrogant and things can still be taken from me in an instant.  And I was scared that this was just the first drop and that afraid that I would be doing another trip to the ER within a few hours.

Fuck you universe.  You think I've forgotten that this can go away?  Do you really think that for a moment I don't have fear and doubt?  Yeah, fuck you again.  You don't need to fucking remind me.

Why don't I get to just enjoy any of this?  Why is it that the moment I do, I'm punished for it?

Quite frankly, this is why I'm such a damned bitch.  Every time I try to drift into a happy place, I'm reminded that happy is not for me and I'm smacked back into my dark little corner.

Everything is fine by the way.  That spot was it.  We found them both on the doppler.  They are wiggling and making me sick today.

Viability!

24 weeks and one day, ladies and gentlemen, we have reached viability!

*applause*   *applause*  *applause*

K got to feel a baby kick the other night.  Movements still aren't consistent, but there was some squirming going on while we were watching tv so I had him stick his hand in my waistband and wait.  It took a couple of minutes, but he got a good swift kick!

That was it guys.  The last piece of the puzzle that would allow us finally accept that we are going to have babies.

We are now registering for stuff, accepting hand-me-downs, and doing a few little nesting things.  We are now planning instead of hoping (but the fingers are still crossed).

Symptom breakdown -

• Heartburn is pretty much gone since I started taking prilosec.
• I'm getting about 2 baby squirming sessions each day.  One of them is usually while sitting up reading before lying down to go to bed.  They are more squirmy than kicky.
• Even my jammie pants are threatening to get a little tight.
• So far my urine is pretty much staying in place.  I don't have nearly the incontinence issues I had last time. Sometimes a really impressive sneeze will let out a small leak, but it's not a daily thing.
• Hands are randomly swelling so I've taken off my wedding band and am wearing a cheapo band a half size larger.
• My bladder always feels full and sore.  I don't think it's actually full, but since the only means I have of adjusting its position is to pee, I keep attempting that to relieve the discomfort a bit.
• My sleep doesn't seem solid and deep so I end up needing a lot more of it.  I wake up every time I need to shift positions.
• I'm hungry all the time and yet completely sick of food.

That's about it for now!

Fat lady fashion show

Well, I had my first crying, non-provoked, purely hormonal emotional meltdown of this pregnancy.  The source? Clothing!  I hate clothes.  I hate shopping for clothes.  I hate that as a fat woman, no clothes ever fit me right, ever.  Even if they fit in the store, or last week, that doesn't mean they'll fit right today.

We were invited to a St Patty's Day party and for once, I actually was feeling fairly social.  I have a pair of gray pants that seem to be stretching right along with me, and they are kind of my go-to going out in public pants for this pregnancy.  As I was pulling them out trying to figure out what to wear to the party the next day, I found a spot of wax or something on them and they couldn't be worn until they went through the laundry.  So I started to panic.

I hadn't busted out my maternity pants from the last pregnancy yet so I pulled those out and while they fit, they are also too long.  I'm afraid I might trip.  Some of my jeans are ok if I fold them down and do the belly band, but it's uncomfortable and looks weird.  The only pants available were leggings, and in trying on tops, I had completely run out of tops that were big and flowy enough to cover my butt.  And I'm sorry, but if I'm wearing leggings, my butt needs to be covered.  I'm just not going to inflict skin tight clothing as the only barrier between my butt and the world on anyone.  That would be cruel.

So panic set in and I realized that it was official, I did not have enough actual clothing to leave the house.  Not that big a deal most days, I just wear jammies and jammie pants at home, but holy shit!  If I'm too big to leave the house now, what the fuck am I going to do over the next 3 months???  Almost everything I've tried to buy at some sort of reasonable price has had to be sent back because it didn't fit.

Full on melt down.  There was crying.  There was a husband sitting there like a deer in the headlights having no idea how to respond.  It was unpleasant.

Ok, so I did finally find something I could wear in public.  I found this top and a black sweater that was a bit longer than the top so it covered my butt.  It's actually kinda cute.  This is probably what I'll wear to nicer outings like my grandmothers 100th birthday at the end of the month.

Emily has also requested updated belly pics.  Well, K has been too busy to deal with belly pics and I haven't felt like climbing into that skin tight outfit I've been using.  So the fashion show pics will have to suffice.  I also wanted to get some pics of me with my hair like this because I've made an appointment to get rid of it on the 29th.

Good lord.  If I'm this big now, how inhumanly gigantic am I going to be in 3 months???

But one picture hardly makes for a fashion show now does it?  The rest of this post will be dedicated to solving the solution plaguing plus sized maternity shoppers everywhere.

Where can a plus sized woman find maternity clothes?  As long as you're a very casual dresser, the answer is Value Village.

After our Day With Baby Class (oh yeah, remind me to write about that at some point), we stopped by the Value Village near the hospital.  I expected to spend a total of 15 minutes there because stores like that usually have this smell that just reminds you that you're going ghetto.  But this one was actually pretty nice.  Didn't have that used icky smell at all.

So now I present to you, the crap I bought to simply cover my belly and ass for this pregnancy.  The intention isn't to look good, or cute, or to make a fashion statement, the intention is simply to cover myself so that I won't be arrested for public nudity if I need to leave the house.

Tshirt already owned. Sweater purchased to make most of my tshirts work with leggings.	Red yoga pants already owned. Huge black tshirt with white "undershirt" thingy.  Should last  through the pregnancy.	Gray nursing tank from jammie set. Red and white sweater makes it publicly ok and still gives me boob access for nursing.

I swore I'd never wear a maternity shirt that tucked under and hugged the belly.  Apparently I was wrong.

Black tank top dress.  I'm going to be hugely pregnant for the beginning of summer.  I'm hoping this will help  beat the heat.

Blue dress.  Leggings mean I don't have to shave my legs yet.