Medical update

The nurse called and my last prolactin level is 18.something.  So fully back into the normal range.  Therefore, while I still think they should have tested this just before transfer, my failure to get pregnant from the FET can not be "blamed" on them not running that test, but rather I have to just go with "oh well, it didn't work this time".

I did tell her that I wanted it noted that my prolactin levels need to be checked shortly before we transfer in future attempts.  It may not make a difference, but knowing that it will be looked at takes that source of concern out of my hands.  Hopefully that will make it less of a concern overall.

And we have learned that my body really does chemically react to whatever emotional stress I'm experiencing.  From now on, the week of and after a transfer for me will require a bit of luxury in order to keep me as calm as possible.  So those weeks will be full of some guilt free indulgences.  Chocolate administered as I feel necessary, massages, chilling out in general.  And we're probably going to do acupuncture during the next attempt.  I dunno what that actually does, but studies show that it does improve your chances, and lying down on a table a chilling out for an hour or so during those appointments can't be a bad thing, even if the actual acupuncture itself does nothing.

And some other good news, the clinic is still figuring out how to treat a fat person, but it's looking more and more like they will indeed decide to go ahead and treat us.  So it's very likely that we can proceed in August whether I succeed in losing any weight or not.  Yay.


While I had her on the phone, I asked her to talk to the Dr. about that little joke he made.  Just a recap of what I'm referring to, during one of my ultrasounds, we briefly discussed how the clinic is currently debating the BMI cutoff point on which they'll do egg retrievals.  And the doctor ended that discussion by throwing out the little comment "Well, telling someone we won't help them to get pregnant is sure motivation to lose weight!"

Dear Doctor Douchebag,

I'm not fat because I lack motivation.  I'm fat because I have failed every single day of my life to be thin.  It's not a state of being that I enjoy and I have tried several times to change it.  I have a permanent scar on my hand from opening a can of diet food when I was doing one of those crash diet programs in high school.

I absolutely despise my body.  I always have.  I hate it for being fat.  I hate it for being infertile.  I hate it for failing to protect my girls from the infection that took them.  I hate it, hate it, hate it.  And I'm forced to live in it every minute of my life. If I could chop it off and no longer be associated with it, I would do it in a heartbeat.

While I was on your table, naked, with my legs up in stirrups, you took the two most painful truths that I live with every day and made a joke of them.  And in the process, you revealed your general disdain for fat people, ie - me.  I know that it didn't even occur to you that such a comment would cut to quick like it did because having a problem with fat people is still completely socially acceptable.  What you said to me is akin to calling an African American adult man "boy". 

And you said it while you were in a position of power over me.  I had to have that ultrasound done at that very minute.  Therefore, I could not sit up, call you out for the prick that you are, and leave as I wanted to.  You held the power, and as a result, I had to suck up your little comment and take it.  You not only said something that hurt me, but you took away my ability to at least regain some dignity and pride by telling you where to stick it.

And you made me cry.  That evening, I could hear that stupid comment in my head repeated over and over and over again, and I cried.  For hours.  I still cry when I think about it.  I suspect that your little comment will revisit my brain for years to come.

And now, while you are debating whether or not you will continue to accept me as a patient, I have to go into your office, look at your face and beg you to please consider me worthy of assisting.  Do you have any clue how deeply it hurts to have to beg someone to allow you to become a mother?  It's one of the main reasons I didn't go the adoption route.  Being judged hurts like hell. 

Whenever I come in for my follow-up appointment, I expect and demand an apology.  Now that your nurse is informing you of what you said and the effect that it had, I expect and demand that you display horror in yourself for causing that kind of pain.  If I get an off the cuff, placating apology, I will call you out on it and it will speak volumes about your character.

You have the opportunity to prove yourself to be a better man than I currently believe you to be.  I suggest that you take it.

Sincerely,
Your big, fat, pissed off patient

At least someone around here has babies

No, we don't feed them on purpose - they eat the leftover cat food that we feed the kitties on our deck.

I just think they're adorable!  Of course, I'll hate them in a few months when they are full grown and stealing even more of the cat food, but for now, awwwwww!

The devil you know....

I said before that I have an appointment to consult with a different clinic on July 6th.

Well, I have canceled that appointment.  I heard back from my OB and while he doesn't know anything about that clinic personally, his colleagues told him that they go out of their way to NOT refer patients there.  Hrmmmmmm.

So hearing that, and then relooking at what I see of that clinic myself, well, here's the run down -

• He’s a one doctor practice in a medical field where schedules have to change on a dime.  What happens if he gets sick or becomes otherwise indisposed?
• His fees are about 2/3 of all of the other clinics I’ve spoken to.
• He advertises that he will perform services for those that others might turn away due to age, BMI, etc.
• He offers gender selection.  An ethically questionable practice.

Add it all together and I’m seeing a man who is thriving on peoples desperation.
 
And I made a consultation appointment with another clinic in the area, but they can't even get me in the door until July 26th.  And even while on the phone with me, the woman was talking to other people.  It sounds like that place has a million clients and that makes me nervous.  I mean if my problem with my original clinic is that I'm starting to feel like cattle rather than a patient, will this new place be out of the frying pan and into the fire.  Not to mention they are more expensive.  And they have a hard BMI cut off point for egg retrievals so I would have to lose 15-20lbs before they would treat me anyway.

We've already prepaid at my current clinic for another IVF attempt plus a frozen round if that doesn't work.  And they are still debating what their BMI cut off will be so I might only have to lose 5lbs to get under the number with them.So can I forgive the doctor for making a joke about how not helping someone get pregnant is a great motivation for them to lose weight?  Can I forgive that they did not test my prolactin levels shortly before transfer as I feel they should have?  If I talk to the doctor about what has me hating him and his clinic right now, will he make an effort to make sure those same issues aren't repeated?

I'm totally lost as to how to move forward.  Either way, I'm probably looking at living on lettuce and the treadmill for a while.  And at never having that trust that I don't have to fight to advocate for my own care.

Ok guys, I need your thoughts on this.  Without currently having more information, should I just stick with the devil I know?  I mean, they did get me pregnant once already.  Or should I potentially jump into the fire, spend additional money, and try someone new who might have the same, if not worse problems?

Prolactin Levels

Today's post is odds and ends.  First, a new definition:

Maybe / Maybies - All potential children in various stages of pre-birth development from egg to just prior to birth.  Uses = "They will be thawing one of my maybies for the next frozen transfer" and "I really hope this maybe sticks" as well as "me and my maybe are craving ice cream".

News of the day:

My prolactin levels finally came back.  47.  Normal range is 4-23ish.  For some perspective, when I reported prolactin at 56 to my GP, he kind of freaked the hell out and we went into "I probably have a brain tumor" territory.  Elevated prolactin levels are what halted our March FET cycle.

So I'll be back at the doctors office in the morning after a fast, and a technician will strive to locate a vein that isn't burying itself in terror of being poked yet again, so we can see if that number was a fluke, or a pattern.

Now, the night before I tested, I spent about 12 hours crying hysterically.  And prolactin levels will spike in a time of stress so it's possible that my elevated numbers are a fluke.  That's why we are all supposed to remain as relaxed as possible while trying to conceive, prolactin prevents conception and stress raises prolactin.  So when the doctors tell you to relax, it's not a platitude, there is a chemical reason for that advice.

Now, when I did my estrodial shortly before we transferred, I asked what my prolactin levels were.  Considering my recent medical history, I just assumed that those would be tested from whatever blood was taken shortly before transfer.  But it wasn't.  They DIDN'T test my prolactin levels.  At all. 

I'm still open minded to my current number being a fluke caused by my stress.  But if my testing tomorrow reveals that the number is elevated even when I'm relaxed, I'm going to have some REAL issues with what they did.  If my numbers are normal, we'll never know if the lack of that test might have been an issue.  If they come back elevated, than my doctors were really fucking negligent.